Sunday, February 27, 2011

Charlie Sheen Records World's Worst Public Service Announcement

In an appearance on The Dan Patrick Show, Charlie Sheen, noted crack vacuum and star of the inexplicably popular Two and a Half Men, recorded what may well be the least-effective anti-drug public service announcement of all time. In recounting a talk he gave to the UCLA baseball team, he told Patrick
“ . . . I said ‘stay away from the crack.’ Which I think is pretty good advice, unless you can manage it socially, Dan. If you can manage it socially, then go for it. But not a lot of people can.”1
If you can manage crack socially, then go for it. That’ll do, Charlie, thanks.

What the UCLA baseball team probably didn’t realize is that Sheen had considered, but subsequently rejected, an even more direct approach. According to the written notes recovered from his garbage can and meticulously reconstructed in our lab, Sheen intended to say:
“Crack cocaine isn’t for pussies. Are you guys pussies? No? Prove it.”
We believe it’s safe to say that he still got his point across.

“Thank you, no, I’m straight.”
“I meant, are you in here for drugs?”
“Why are you here?”

1. Los Angeles Times blogs, February 14, 2011.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Chaos Reigns as Actors Collide, Explode

“For every one billion particles of David Keith there were one billion and one particles of Keith David. And when the mutual annihilation was complete, one billionth remained—and that's our present universe.” 

—Albert Einstein

Disaster struck a bustling movie set today in Hollywood, California, as highly regarded character actors and polar opposites Keith David (The Thing, Platoon, There's Something About Mary), and David Keith (An Officer and a Gentleman, Major League 2) foolishly made physical contact with one another and were tragically annihilated according to the immutable laws of physics.

Keith David. Mathematically represented as David Keith x (-1).
The two actors met on the set of The Theory of Symmetry, a biopic of British theoretical physicist Paul Dirac directed by, presumably, some egghead science guy or something. Keith and David, apparently unaware of their diametrically opposed physical characteristics, collegially shook hands at the end of a long day’s shooting and obliterated one another in a hellish firestorm of brooding intensity and masculine jawbones.

David Keith: Theorized to have been the massive
gravitational source at the center of the Milky Way galaxy.
Keith David is survived by a wife of twenty-one years, a son, and two daughters. David Keith, having been of slightly greater mass, leaves behind not only a wife but also a smattering of leftover particles of matter.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Peter Forsberg’s Remaining Functional Body Parts Join Ankle, Spleen in Retirement

Oft-injured and distressingly1 handsome Colorado Avalanche forward Peter Forsberg—a two-time Olympic gold medalist,2 two-time Stanley Cup winner, and 2003 National Hockey League Most Valuable Player—announced his official retirement from the National Hockey League on Monday, February 14, 2011, in an afternoon press conference in Denver, Colorado. 

“I played hockey my whole life,” Forsberg said, according to the Denver Post. ”But I decided I've played my final game.”

Forsberg’s latest comeback attempt began, as far as local fans were concerned, on January 22, 2011, when he practiced in Denver with injured Avalanche center Ryan O'Reilly and assistant coach Steve Konowalchuk. After skating with the team for several weeks, he signed a contract on February 6; loitered temporarily in limbo—or perhaps Phoenix, Arizona, it’s hard to tell the difference—until his visa issues were sorted out; and hit the ice against the Blue Jackets and Predators on February 11th and 12th, respectively. Eight days later, his hockey career was once again—and officially this time, perhaps, unless things change—over for good. Probably. 

Peter Forsberg may not be our favorite Swede of all time—that spot is already occupied—but he’s definitely right up there near the top. While we at Bowling in the Dark are disappointed that our tickets to Wednesday’s Avalanche game (which we’ve had for several months—no fair-weather fans here) are now somewhat less exciting than they were, say, four days ago,3 we sincerely wish Peter Forsberg the best in his retirement. We hope he finds a new calling that provides as much satisfaction as playing hockey has given for so much of his life. Perhaps our most sincere hope is that he fades from the limelight gracefully and professionally, and refuses to follow in the footsteps of other recently/often-retired athletes when looking for that satisfaction. Ahem.

Forsberg’s rare combination of strength; willingness to play (and excel at) a hard-hitting physical game; soft hands;4 great vision; and exceptional sense of the ebb, flow, and movement of the game made him an exceptional playmaker and arguably the best two-way center of his era.5 It’s likely, though, that his physical style of play contributed to the injury problems that plagued the later stages of his career and forced him to quit the game several times. He missed the entire 2001-02 season after having an emergency splenectomy in the midst of the 2001 Stanley Cup playoffs, and the surgeries on his flawed and chronically pained feet and ankles are believed to number at least a dozen.

Forsberg’s ankle spoke haltingly but with pride about his long-term association with those parts of Forsberg that continue to function properly: “I’m glad we gave it one more shot, but I think we’re done,” it said. “By which I mean I hope to God we’re done, and I mean forever. Frankly, I was done with the game years ago, and could have sworn I’d made myself clear on that. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take about two dozen Advil and lie down for a while, preferably for the rest of my life.”

Peter Forsberg’s spleen, possibly.
Reached for comment at its home in Miami, Peter Forsberg’s spleen expressed sadness at his former body’s retirement, but hope for a potential reunion: “We had some good times together, Foppa and me,” it said. ”Near the end there, I was just dead weight, he did better without me. But it sure would be good to get together again, now that he’s got the time, maybe filter some blood cells together, just like we did in the old days.”

Peter Forsberg’s spleen spends most of its time playing cribbage with other long-abandoned parts of retired and current NHL players, including Eric Lindros’s brain, Tyler Arnasons heart, and Claude Lemieux's courage.6

1. Distressing to us, anyway. Mrs. Some Guy doesn’t seem to mind.
2. In addition to winning the Olympic gold as a member of the 1994 and 2006 Swedish men’s hockey teams, Forsberg also won an honorary medal for the little-known subcategory of Goaltender Humiliation
3. Or, for that matter, just four hours ago, before the Avalanche had started getting pounded by the Calgary Flames.
4. We’re not referring to his use of hand lotion—this is a hockey term. It means that Forsberg had very good puck-handling skills in terms of passing, stick-handling, and dekeing goaltenders. We don’t have the slightest clue whether he prefers Jergens to Neutrogena, and hope to keep it that way.
5. The Detroit Red Wings’ supremely talented Sergei Fedorov deserves consideration in this argument, perhaps the only case against him being the occasional game where he just didn’t seem to give a crap.
6. This Wizard of Oz metaphor leads us to wonder who in the NHL would represent Toto, the runty little mutt that serves no purpose other than as a constantly yapping, inescapable, annoying little shit. The frontrunner, quite obviously, is Sean Avery. 

Friday, February 11, 2011

Stephen Colbert is a Big Fat Copycat

It has come to the attention of the Bowling in the Dark Legal Department that Comedy Central news anchor Stephen Colbert—supposedly a paragon of unassailable, serious journalistic integrity, a self-styled beacon of truthiness in a field otherwise filled with clowns and would-be comedians like Jon Stewart or Dan Rather—has been sneaking into our brains at night and stealing our ideas.

The proof:

Listen, Colbert, we were criticizing Bill O’Reilly before it was popular—three weeks ago. What rock were you hiding under while we were out risking our necks on the cutting edge? Falling asleep in class, obviously, planning to crib notes for the big test from the funny-looking kid who’s desperate to make a new friend.1 Way to go, Colbert. You may think you’re a big shot—with your big-budget show on one of cable TV’s top 157 networks; your competently-ironed suits; and your audiences that can actually be proven to exist—but we know better. We know you’re just a big fat copycat, a copycat copying us, your obvious intellectual superiors.

Sometimes we wonder if you’re really even a conservative.

1. No, we haven’t entered into a bad-metaphor contest, but now we’re kind of wishing we had.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Walt Disney No Longer Spinning in his Grave

Your marketing department’s worst nightmare. Just ask Fathead.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, having passed for 3 touchdowns and more than 300 yards, was named Most Valuable Player in an exciting 31-25 Super Bowl XLV victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers on February 6, 2011. Perhaps as important as providing a thrilling game, satisfying advertisers, or entertaining hundreds or millions of American football fans worldwide, however, is the simple fact that Rodgers’ performance ensures that he, instead of alleged rapist1 and established asshole Ben Roethlisberger, will be the one going to Disneyland:

The prospect of having to shun the Super Bowl MVP for their traditional postgame advertising bonanza must certainly have cost the folks in Disney’s marketing department several uneasy nights, but almost certainly not as many as the prospect of forcing millions of American parents to explain to their daughters that Disneyland was no longer the Happiest Place on Earth, or even a safe place to be.2

Legendary animator, theme-park entrepreneur, and overall nice guy Walt Disney is once again resting in peace.

1. We at Bowling in the Dark understand that Roethlisberger was not actually prosecuted for rape, and hence will continue to use the word “alleged” in connection to the alleged actions of which we’re inclined to believe he’s guilty. We also respect the law to the fullest extent required by law. However, we would like to point out that Al Capone, according to the legal system, was guilty only of income tax evasion.
2. Especially the women’s bathrooms. Allegedly, of course.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Words that Changed the World II

“Chup chup chup chup chup chup chup chup chup chup chup nonny!

“Farley farley farley farley farley farley; Hfuhruhurr.”

“Kinut; hooooooooooooooooooooooooola widdle, tass, habble . . . sohn.”