Listen, Colbert, we were criticizing Bill O’Reilly before it was popular—three weeks ago. What rock were you hiding under while we were out risking our necks on the cutting edge? Falling asleep in class, obviously, planning to crib notes for the big test from the funny-looking kid who’s desperate to make a new friend.1 Way to go, Colbert. You may think you’re a big shot—with your big-budget show on one of cable TV’s top 157 networks; your competently-ironed suits; and your audiences that can actually be proven to exist—but we know better. We know you’re just a big fat copycat, a copycat copying us, your obvious intellectual superiors.
Sometimes we wonder if you’re really even a conservative.
1. No, we haven’t entered into a bad-metaphor contest, but now we’re kind of wishing we had.