Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Please Stop Stealing Our Fucking Signs

    
 
The tiny village of Fucking, Austria, first came to the attention of the English-speaking world when Salzburg-based Allied soldiers returned home with word of its existence after the end of the Second World War. So for nearly seventy years now, sporadic but gradually increasing numbers of intrepid American or British tourists with a few hours to spare and a taste for the risqué have drifted into Upper Austria to catch a glimpse of and, if lucky, snap a photograph of Fucking.1 

According to local legend,2 there was no Fucking in Austria until the sixth century A.D., when it was created by a Bavarian nobleman named Focko, who gives Fucking its name. It is rumored that Focko sired some seventeen children before he quit Fucking and returned to Bavaria, leaving his progeny behind. The majority of his offspring—most of them legitimate, but some of them almost certainly Fucking bastards—remained in town and raised their own Fucking children, and their descendents have led lives of mostly quiet anonymity.

Sadly, the advent of the Internet Age—and specifically its rapid dissemination of information—threatens to raise this inoffensive hamlet’s fame to never-before-imagined heights. It’s quite likely that someday soon, tourists from all corners of the world will be flocking to Austria to see Fucking, and Fucking itself will lose its few remaining shreds of privacy and normalcy.3
 
Did you know: Google can be used to find not just pictures of Fucking,
but also directions!

Despite the impending destruction of their quiet way of life—despite the looming threat of an invasion of hundreds of thousands of Americans obsessed with Fucking—these hardy villagers have a more immediate problem:

For decades now, inconsiderate Fucking tourists have been stealing Fucking street signs.

“Initially we assumed it was the work of a Fucking local,” explains Fucking Police Constable Fritz Polizist, “but it became clear that the culprits were outsiders after we finished interviewing every Fucking resident within the Fucking town limits.”

“Frankly,” continues Polizist, “there are a lot of angry Fucking citizens out here getting tired of replacing our Fucking signs every time some Fucking visitor wants to leave with some sort of Fucking souvenir.”4

The Fucking mayor, Udo Bürgermeister, claims that the little town can’t afford to keep replacing the signs indefinitely: “We don’t have all that much money in the Fucking budget, you know. We tried holding a Fucking fundraiser a few months ago, but it was a total disaster. Everybody around here claims to love Fucking, but they sure aren’t willing to pay for it.”

Fortunately, after waiting for ages for Fucking City Hall to come up with a solution, some ordinary Fucking citizens have decided to take action. 

The Fucking coat of arms.
“We decided that just sitting around Fucking all day wasn’t going to solve our problems,” says dedicated Fucking resident Johannes Einwohner.

“It’s obvious that better Fucking security is the answer, so we pooled together as much Fucking money as we could get and had closed-circuit TV cameras installed near all of our Fucking signs.”

In recent years, ever-more-brash visitors have moved beyond taking simple photographs with the signs—or, of course, taking the signs themselves—and have proven themselves willing to do all sorts of obscene things near, on, and even to these Fucking signs just for a good Fucking laugh. It’s unclear so far whether any of these Fucking vandals have been aware of the cameras.

“It gets pretty disgusting,” says Einwohner. “And you wouldn’t believe the group that signed up to monitor the cameras. I’ve never seen so many Fucking perverts.”

Mayor Bürgermeister has given up trying to explain his sleepy little town’s popularity with international vulgarians. “Foreigners just love Fucking, and honestly, we can’t see what all the fuss is about,” he says. “Hardly anybody in all of Austria has ever even heard of Fucking, much less seen it for themselves. You should see how confused they get when they just happen to see Fucking right here on the side of the road.”

Still, despite its budgetary problems and the looming threat of an unmanageable influx of snickering English-speakers with Fucking on the brain, the villagers wouldn’t even dream of giving up on Fucking: “I love everything about Fucking,” says Bürgermeister. “Fucking is f______ great.” 

No way in hell are we going to ruin the fun
by translating this one for you, but we’ll
provide you a link. Trust us, it’s worth it.


NOTES
1. Occasionally, according to the London Daily Telegraph, an entire tour bus will make the trip, for those tourists who prefer to see Fucking in large groups.
2. Depending on context, the German phrase “local legend” can mean either “Wikipedia” or “stuff we mostly made up ourselves.”In this case, it’s both.
3. It’s true, you know—any fool with a mouse can find Fucking on the Internet.
4. Polizist, incidentally, cannot recall ever having heard of Dick Hertz from Fucking. So that’s one down.




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