Monday, September 26, 2011

The Fish-Slapping Dance

We won’t dare to pretend that we have anything worth adding to Monty Python’s presentation of the Fish-Slapping Dance; we merely recommend that you watch and enjoy. And in hopes of avoiding being sued by angry British copyright lawyers, we also recommend that you follow this link and buy what you find there; Lord knows the Pythons deserve the royalties.

Except maybe for Eric Idle. He’s making buckets of money on Spamalot, so forget him.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Interspecies Romance is No Laughing Matter

 . . . unless there are pictures, of course.

It’s anybody’s guess whether either the filthy pig or the stupid cow will pretend to be embarrassed tomorrow as they clomp softly back to their respective pastures, blinded by hangovers and trying to piece together their spotty memories of last night’s events.

Nobody can say for sure whether they’ll be condemned or even cast out for their fatty forbidden affair. All we can know for sure is that, when the moon is but a sliver in the sky and the gates are left open by an inattentive or sympathetic farmer, these star-crossed, genetically incompatible lovers will meet again.

And it will be glorious.1

1. By which we mean “yucky.”

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Think Like a Denver Broncos Fan!

 Disclaimer: We Do Not Actually Recommend Trying This, and Cannot be Held Liable for Damages if You Succeed.


Individual opinions vary widely, of course, and the Denver Broncos do in fact have a great many thoughtful, well-informed, and reasonable fans, so the title “Think Like a Denver Broncos Fan” is admittedly a touch misleading. Unfortunately, though, among a certain sector of Broncos fans—including but not limited to the kinds of folks who leave comments at and believe the phrase “drinking the Kool-Aid” is still clever instead of pathetically tiresome—the following school of thought is pervasive and most likely permanent.1 

It’s also an easy thought process to duplicate—one option is to bash yourself repeatedly in the face with a toaster oven; when you no longer can remember why your face hurts, stop, because you’re there. In case you’re interested in a less destructive option, though, simply convince yourself of the following:

  1. Kyle Orton is the worst quarterback in the history of the universe.2
  2. Brady Quinn is ten times worse than Kyle Orton.
  3. Tim Tebow—according to numerous sources, most importantly the coaching staff that has scrutinized every minute of every drill, and every snap of every play, scrimmage, and game (both in person and in countless video reviews) and has a vested interest in using the absolute best players available at every position—is nowhere close to being as ready to play as either the infinitely terrible Kyle Orton or the even-more-terrible Brady Quinn.3

  1. Tim Tebow is better than Kyle Orton or Brady Quinn, and should be the Broncos’ starting quarterback.

If you’ve spotted the minor logical mistake in the above, congratulations! Mentally speaking, you’re well ahead of a significant fraction of Denver Broncos fans, and easily on par with, say, a basset hound. If you haven’t spotted it, you should drop the toaster oven and lie down for a while. It’ll come to you eventually.

    “Why come me face hurt?”

    1. “School of thought” probably isn’t the best phrase to use, as “school” implies learning and “thought” implies, well, thought.
    2. To be fair, we have to admit the possibility that this could be true. But the universe is an awfully big place, and it still has Ryan Leaf in it. 
    3. You may have noticed that here in item #3, we’ve craftily used what could best be described as “facts as reported by virtually every football expert everywhere” rather than “toaster-oven-induced opinion.”

      Thursday, September 8, 2011

      A Summary of the X-Files Episode You're About to Watch on Netflix

      “Hey Scully, check this out: it’s another case that regular FBI agents won’t touch,
      with all sorts of creepy occult
      / monster / alien abduction / mythological overtones.”

      Im sure theres a perfectly reasonable explanation for what’s going on here
      Mulder. I hereby propose a sensible theory based on science, logic, deductive 
      reasoning, good old-fashioned FBI investigation, and a rational 
      understanding of how things actually work in the real world.

      I hereby propose a ludicrous theory, full of magic and lunacy, 
      that sounds like it was beamed directly into my brain by
      paranoid conspiracy theorists from Planet Bullshit.

      Have it your way, Mulder. I’ll bet you another year’s worth of
      unresolved sexual tension that your silly theory won
      ’t pan out.

      You’re on. Let’s get to work.”



      Better luck next week, Scully.

      Pardon me, but there’s something we need to talk aboot. I must
      tell you crucial information that will serve my nefarious purposes and seem 
      to answer all of your questions, but won’t actually make a lick of sense.
      . . . or perhaps I'm here to kill you. May I come in?

      Suit yourself, I was just leaving. Oh, and Mulder? 
      You’re sleeping alone until at least season seven, smart guy.


      Tuesday, September 6, 2011

      Spoilers for Dopes

      You would be hard pressed to find anyone who hasn’t had at least one movie wrecked by a careless relative, friend, or acquaintance casually mentioning crucial plot points, revealing an ambiguous character’s true allegiance, or simply screaming “it’s him, dressed up as Mother!” These thoughtless utterances, known to a small handful of Hollywood elite by the obscure industry term “spoilers,” can turn an otherwise pleasant theatrical experience into a dull and disappointing evening of knowing exactly what’s going to happen well in advance.1

      The American public has long looked for a way to deter these simpleminded but frustrating folks from clumsily ruining every movie they see.2 Unfortunately, properly identifying dopes often requires repeated exposure, so it’s rarely possible to spot them at first glance and simply deny them the right to enter your theater or living room. And beating them to the punch—blurting out crucial information to ruin the movie for them, before they can ruin it for you—usually causes more problems than it solves: while they may eventually learn their lesson about the perils of being stupid, mend their ways, and keep quiet until the movie’s over, you run the terrible risk of being labeled a dope yourself and then being taught the same lesson by another grumpy moviegoer, thus continuing the cycle of stupidity.

      The solution, as discovered by Nobel Prize winner Konstantin Novoselov, is to craft spoilers that are specifically designed to ruin movies for idiots, but leave them unscathed and enjoyable for your more astute fellow patrons. Sort of like a neutron bomb, except instead of killing millions of people but leaving buildings intact, it ruins movies for certain people but makes them far more enjoyable for everyone else.3

      The selection below, while far from comprehensive, should be enough to get you off to a good start of identifying dopes and improving your movie-watching experience.

      WARNING: if reading any of the below causes you to react with frustration and decide that a certain movie isn’t worth watching anymore, then you’re doing it just right, dummy. Please keep reading.

        Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001):
      The kid living under the stairs is magic.

        Star Wars (1977): Han Solo shoots first.

           Spartacus (1960): One of those guys really is Spartacus. 

            The Sixth Sense (1999): Incredibly, Bruce Willis’s character
            turns out to be a child psychologist. 

              Fight Club (1999): There’s fighting.

              Lethal Weapon (1987): Mel Gibson’s character is crazy,
              but he’s a good guy underneath. 

                Conspiracy Theory (1997): Hang on—maybe this is the movie where
                Mel Gibson’s character is crazy, but a good guy underneath.

                  The Beaver (2011): Unless it’s this one.

                     Hamlet (1990): Mel Gibson’s character merely pretends to be crazy
                    to cover up the fact that he’s seeing ghosts, and they tell him
                    to kill people. Remember, he’s pretending to be crazy. 

                      What Women Want (2000): Mel Gibson’s character may look
                      crazy, but he’s not. He just thinks like a woman—which, as any married man
                      will tell you with his wife in the room, is not crazy at all. Or is, at least, no more
                      crazy than taking career advice from dead medieval Danish kings.

                        The Usual Suspects (1995): Keyser Soze exists, or maybe he doesn’t.
                        If he does exist, whoever he is, he’s a criminal genius—which
                        means it’s safe to conclude that he’s not Stephen Baldwin.

                        1. This sensation will be familiar to anybody unfortunate enough to have tried to watch more than one episode of, among countless other examples, “The Jerry Springer Show.” Guess what? They’re going to use bad grammar, and then throw punches.
                        2. This, of course, does not include movies that were already ruined long before they reached the viewing public. We’re looking at you here, Watchmen.
                        3. In some small ways, then, it’s even better than a neutron bomb.

                          Thursday, September 1, 2011

                          Words that Changed the World VIII

                          J'apprivoise un lion! La bonté, c'est grand. Sacre bleu! Regarder comme je le dirige pour sauter par ce cerceau. Il arpente autour de moi ; maintenant je pense qu'il rugit ou quelque chose. Maintenant il me néglige complètement, et alors les hurlements encore!  Maintenant je me fais claquer dans le visage, et changer mes expressions comme je fais si. Maman a dit si j'ai tenu ce visage trop longtemps, ce serait reste comme ça ; je devine elle a eu la raison.