Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Think Like a Denver Broncos Fan!

 Disclaimer: We Do Not Actually Recommend Trying This, and Cannot be Held Liable for Damages if You Succeed.


Individual opinions vary widely, of course, and the Denver Broncos do in fact have a great many thoughtful, well-informed, and reasonable fans, so the title “Think Like a Denver Broncos Fan” is admittedly a touch misleading. Unfortunately, though, among a certain sector of Broncos fans—including but not limited to the kinds of folks who leave comments at denverpost.com and believe the phrase “drinking the Kool-Aid” is still clever instead of pathetically tiresome—the following school of thought is pervasive and most likely permanent.1 

It’s also an easy thought process to duplicate—one option is to bash yourself repeatedly in the face with a toaster oven; when you no longer can remember why your face hurts, stop, because you’re there. In case you’re interested in a less destructive option, though, simply convince yourself of the following:

  1. Kyle Orton is the worst quarterback in the history of the universe.2
  2. Brady Quinn is ten times worse than Kyle Orton.
  3. Tim Tebow—according to numerous sources, most importantly the coaching staff that has scrutinized every minute of every drill, and every snap of every play, scrimmage, and game (both in person and in countless video reviews) and has a vested interest in using the absolute best players available at every position—is nowhere close to being as ready to play as either the infinitely terrible Kyle Orton or the even-more-terrible Brady Quinn.3

  1. Tim Tebow is better than Kyle Orton or Brady Quinn, and should be the Broncos’ starting quarterback.

If you’ve spotted the minor logical mistake in the above, congratulations! Mentally speaking, you’re well ahead of a significant fraction of Denver Broncos fans, and easily on par with, say, a basset hound. If you haven’t spotted it, you should drop the toaster oven and lie down for a while. It’ll come to you eventually.

    “Why come me face hurt?”

    1. “School of thought” probably isn’t the best phrase to use, as “school” implies learning and “thought” implies, well, thought.
    2. To be fair, we have to admit the possibility that this could be true. But the universe is an awfully big place, and it still has Ryan Leaf in it. 
    3. You may have noticed that here in item #3, we’ve craftily used what could best be described as “facts as reported by virtually every football expert everywhere” rather than “toaster-oven-induced opinion.”


      1. I am personally acquainted with Ryan Leaf's greatest--and perhaps only--fan. He talked to Leaf on the phone one time, which as you can imagine, was a tremendous thrill.

      2. Is saying "I am personally acquainted with Ryan Leaf's greatest--and perhaps only--fan" a roundabout way of saying you're personally acquainted with Ryan Leaf? Because otherwise it's hard to see how this adds up.

      3. Being a Broncos fan is like being the overly-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

      4. Sports day should include sumo matches, so that way the only kids who feel left out are the skinny, four-eyed, uncoordinated ones.

        . . . not that we have any reason to know what that was like.