Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Sorry, No Anthony Weiner Jokes Today

Anthony Weiner (D-NY).
Stop snickering.
On June 6, 2011, U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) admitted that the inappropriate photograph sent to a West Coast college student was indeed of his own crotch—which he’d previously denied, sort of—and that he, rather than a hacker, was responsible both for the photograph of his equipment and for sending it along.

Bowling in the Dark hereby declares that we plan to continue to go against the grain of childish media and blogosphere coverage by refusing to make cheap jokes capitalizing on the similarity between the Congressman’s name—Weiner—and the popular slang term for male genitalia.

That term, by the way, is “wiener.”

Wiener wiener wiener.

We refuse to describe Rep. Weiner’s situation as a pickle, or his foolish and self-defeating antics as “pulling a boner.” We will not discuss Weiner’s irritated reaction to the constant media scrutiny as “testy,” or point out or that if he hopes to be re-elected, he’s sure to encounter stiff competition. We resolutely refuse to turn this situation into an opportunity to observe how there’s now even more pork in Washington than before, or suggest that Representative Weiner needs to be more frank with his constituents.

In keeping with this small effort to return the internet to a state of dignity and decorum, we will also refrain from mentioning the following politicians if—or more likely when—they find themselves embroiled in humorous and embarrassing dick-based scandals:
  • Andrew Johnson
  • Lyndon Johnson
  • Richard M. Johnson
  • Spiro Agnew1
  • Dick Armey
  • Dick Cheney
  • Dick Lamm
  • Dick Posthumus
  • Dick Swett
  • Peter Murphy
  • John Boehner
  • Frank Schmuck
  • Ben Bushyhead
  • George Bush
  • George W. Bush
  • Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick
  • John Cox
  • Harry Baals

    And it should go without saying that we won’t ever stoop so low as to make a cheap joke out of mentioning such non-politicians as Wee Willie Keeler, Bobby Cox, Dick Trickle, Beaver Dick, Jerk Meat, or Dick Hertz from Holden.2

    We appreciate your understanding in this matter as we try to return class and good manners to the blogosphere. Our firm stance on wieners may be hard for you to take, but rest assured, putting our foot down on wieners hurts us far more than it hurts you.

    1. The name “Spiro Agnew” may not be funny in and of itself, but you can rearrange its letters to spell “grow a penis,” and that’s just great. Thanks, Dave Barry.
    2. An old roommate from the east coast once told us that he’d looked in a Holden, Massachusetts, phone book and found “Dick Hertz” in there, but we’re inclined to believe now that he was making it up. What kind of person makes things up? People like our old roommate, we guess. His name was Ollie Tabooger.


    1. Not that it sounds particularly phallic or otherwise sexually suggestive, but Spiro Agnew's first name was actually 'Spirodon," which sounds either like a lame-ass dinosaur or a particularly wicked sexually-transmitted bacteria.

    2. A friend of ours had a pretty bad case of Spirodons, but he found a good topical cream and it cleared right up. He still isn't walking quite right, though. You know how it goes.