Saturday, January 15, 2011

Warp Time from the Comfort of Your Own Home!

Thanks to the relentless onward march of modern technology, you too can toy with time and the theory of relativity without the inconvenience and expense of having to approach the speed of light. Just sit down, relax, and follow these four easy steps:

1. Put the Allman Brothers’ Band’s instrumental “Jessica” on your iPod or CD player. 
2. Push “play.” 
3. Fourteen to sixteen months later, as the song comes to an end, push “stop.” 
4. Check your watch. Amazingly, only about seven and a half minutes will have passed! 

Preliminary research has suggested that similar effects are produced by combining The Doors’s “The End” with the  consumption of near-poisonous quantities of Everclear. Sadly, in recent years these studies have stalled due to the difficulty of finding volunteers healthy enough to subject themselves to repeated exposure to The Doors.


  1. Which is the more amazing substance: Everclear of Kool-Aid? Alone, neither is remotely tolerable, nor even safe for prolonged consumption... but together, one of them made it possible to enjoy the other. I'm just not sure which one was the key there.

  2. I've noticed a similar phenomenon with the "music" of Phish.

  3. I'd have to give Everclear the slight edge over Kool-Aid, not because it's any less horrible, but because if the authorities ever catch me drinking too much Kool-Aid, I can't pour Kool-Aid into my gas tank and make a quick getaway.