Sunday, January 23, 2011

Fake Pandas for Sale, part 2

The stunning revelation of the existence of the panda cow has excited not only our exclusive cadre of readers but also weird-cow enthusiasts worldwide, but the buzz surrounding this wet-eyed offense against God pales in comparison to the excitement generated by the mere mention of the impossible fever-dream that is the Hello Kitty Cow:
“Who gives a shit if a cow looks like a panda? It's still not cute. . . . I don’t care if a cow has Hello Kitty all over it, it’s still ugly and stupid.”
“I believe that a cow bedecked with Hello Kitty might with no exaggeration be termed the greatest gift yet bestowed upon humanity by a just and loving God.”

At least we thought it was an impossible fever-dream. It’s long been common knowledge that cows, in their futile and increasingly desperate efforts to avoid being turned into meat—yummy, yummy meat—have strained at the boundaries of cuteness ethics for decades, if not centuries.

Nice try, assholes. Just get
in the chute already.
Fortunately for human civilization, their overt attempts have been, for the most part, more pathetic than convincing. Shaggy moptop hair hasn’t been on the cutting edge of cuteness since late-1960s Liverpool; giant eyeballs can be used to crippling effect by puppies and babies, but on a cow they’re just special landing strips for especially huge flies; and their desperate Jenny McCarthy impressions haven’t been appealing since, well, ever, as far as we can tell.

We at Bowling in the Dark, however, have been been made aware that these pathetic, stumbling efforts—which might be somewhat endearing in their clumsiness, if cows didn’t insist on being so damned delicious—are merely a smokescreen, a crafty cover-up of insidious efforts currently underway.

Highly placed BITD operatives in the offices of U.S. Representative Hank Johnson (D-GA), chair of the House Committee on Teddy Bear and Hello Kitty Affairs, recovered the following classified photographs at great personal risk:

These efforts are obviously in the preliminary stages, and a genuinely effective Hello Kitty cow may still be many peaceful years away. Frankly, these cows appear to be just as tasty as several billion of their predecessors, they barely even register as “cute,” and remain as blindingly stupid as a whole sack full of much tinier, equally stupid cows.1

Also heartening is the fact that the American public, fickle though it may be, will never truly accept the juiced-up, cynically fake Hello Kitty cow the way it embraces the all-natural cuteness of the panda.2 These cows have a chance only to be come the Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds of cuteness—all jacked up and perhaps unstoppable, but fakers, disrespected and empty inside. The panda is Babe Ruth—all natural, all real, and 100% American.3 Also super-fat.

The cutest cow on Earth has nothing on you, fatpants.

1. Making these cows, if possible, very nearly as stupid as the metaphor we just used to describe them.
2. We cannot, in good conscience, verbally abuse cute animals without at least providing a link to Fuck You, Penguin, the now-defunct but groundbreaking blog whose shtick we’re shamelessly imitating (and not for the first time). If we have seen farther than others, it is because we have stood on the shoulders of Fuck You, Penguin.
3. Here we use a very broad definition of “100% American” that includes things that are actually 100% Chinese.

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