Thursday, January 10, 2013

Are You Stupid? A Conclusive Test

If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re stupid, don’t worry—you probably are. But if you refuse to be convinced without tangible proof, then today is your day! The following two-step test can prove, beyond a doubt, that you’re stupid.

Sadly, it cannot prove conclusively that you’re not stupid, but consider the source of the test—how on Earth would we know how to test for actual intelligence? What do we look like, Norman Einstein?1

We asked around, and have learned that no, we do not look like Norman Einstein. So without further ado, here’s the test:

The Test

Question 1

You are a new homeowner, and in the process of replacing burned-out lightbulbs, you discover that nearly all of the outdoor recessed light sockets are filled with large wasps’ nests. To get the wasps’ nest out of these sockets, do you:

(a) shut off the electricity to any and all sockets to be accessed
(b) shut off the what to the what?

Following step 1 (above), do you:

(a) remove the wasps’ nests using any one of dozens or even hundreds of common and easily accessible household items that conduct electricity poorly or not at all—including but not limited to dowels, pool cues, plunger handles, broomsticks, remote control devices, chopsticks, matches, bamboo knitting needles, wooden salad spoons, or basically anything that isn’t a big fat metal screwdriver.
(b) use a big fat metal screwdriver and start stabbing wildly overhead into an electrical socket while standing on a wobbly dining-room chair placed on an uneven surface. In the wind.

If you answered (a) to either or both of these questions, congratulations! It’s possible you’re not stupid, but further testing is necessary.

If you chose any other answers, congratulations! You are stupid.2 But don’t lose heart, dummy—even in these trying financial times, when banks are tight with their money and very picky about to whom they lend it, stupid people very much like you can and still do qualify to be homeowners. In other good news, you’re welcome to join us at our place; we have plenty of work to be done and many different kinds of screwdrivers.

Stay tuned to this space for tips on how to re-wire a GFCI outlet, and after that for tips on how to process a fire-insurance claim.

1. Special thanks to Joe Theismann, who may or may not have ever said “The word ‘genius’ isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
2. This is all true, although we feel obligated to point out to our worried readers that that we did not, in fact, stab a screwdriver into a live electrical socket and electrocute ourselves to death, or even just a little. We’re stupid, not uncoordinated.

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