Saturday, May 19, 2012

Kids Really Do Have It Tougher These Days

Growing up has never been easy—or so we’ve been told by those who have tried it—but it seems like it’s a whole lot harder than it was fifteen or twenty years ago.

In addition to time-honored methods of ruining childhood such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, gym class, peer pressure, wedgies, wet willies, STDs, and good old-fashioned bullying, kids these days also have to face vicious packs of free-roaming Glee Club members, stupidity-induced epidemics such as whooping cough and Bieber Fever, predatory teachers, cyber-bullying, and, as if all this weren’t enough to make your teenagers into moody little mopes,1 today’s young people have to cope with the scourge of DINOSAUR ATTACK:

Take care of your children, folks. Make sure they don’t taste very good before they leave the house. If they survive, they’ll thank you for it.

1. Yes, we know that your teenagers are already moody little mopes. If you think you have it bad, just imagine how insufferable they’d be if listening to The Cure was still the popular thing to do.2
2. We’re not sure that listening to The Cure ever actually was the popular thing to do, except among the kids who hung out in the smoking section. But then we never really did have our finger on the pulse of popularity in our high school.3
3. Or, for that matter, at any time before or since then.

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