Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Spoilers for Dopes: Christmas Edition

It’s been said that the Christmas season is a time for Christmas movies and movies about Christmas, and deep in our hearts we like to believe it’s true.

If you find yourself sitting down to enjoy a fine Christmas film—or even one of the very many memorably shitty ones—but find yourself surrounded by dopes who habitually ruin movies for their friends by blurting out important plot points, get the drop on them by blurting something out first. Because that’s the true meaning of the Christmas season: ruining surprises for the ones you love.1

 Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983): In this harrowing tale of the Victorian Era,
London is overrun by Scottish ducks and horribly large rodents. This is
unlike modern London, which of course no longer has problems with ducks.

A Very Brady Christmas (1988): The Brady family learns heartwarming lessons about
architectural structural integrity, how to solve life’s problems in two hours (minus
commercials), and how easily replaceable Cindy turned out to be.

  Ernest Saves Christmas (1988): We all learn a
heartwarming lesson about not watching “Ernest” movies.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966): The Grinch steals Christmas.

Home Alone (1990): Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern learn headwarming lessons about
the crucial role of slapstick violence in the Christmas season.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (2000): The three words that
best describe this are as follows, and we quote: “Stink, stank, stunk.”

 A Christmas Story (1983): You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965): The first—and to date, only—American
Christmas special to refer, even in passing, to the birth of Christ.2

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964): Fraught with dramatic tension, razor-sharp
dialogue, and incisive social commentary on conspicuous consumption and intergenerational conflict,
this classic film’s message is perfectly summarized by the graphic slow-motion climax in which
Santa slaughters almost two hundred Martians with his bare hands.

 The Star Wars Holiday Special (1979): George Lucas learns a
heartwarming lesson about avoiding really shitty decisions. He holds this
lesson close to his heart right up until the very moment he creates Jar Jar Binks.

1. We don’t really mean this, Mom.
2. We’re sure this isn't actually true, but being snide is easier than being honest.


1 comment:

  1. The most poignant aspect of "A Very Brady Christmas," was, to me, Mike Brady's decision to accept Bobby's dream of being a race car driver. The family learned a number of valuable lessons that day. One was that the Brady girls married poorly.