Sunday, October 9, 2011

More Spoilers for Dopes

Popular demand for more of our world-renowned Spoilers for Dopes has been deafening,1 and if there’s anything we know, it’s that we want to to keep our mostly-imaginary readers happy. So we challenge you, dear readers, to seek out these fine television shows and well-crafted movies—and also Battlefield Earth—and crap them up for your fellow viewers before they can do the same to you:

Star Wars (1977): Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru
aren’t going to make it to Episode V

    The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Something weird is about to happen.

      1776 (1976): The Thirteen American Colonies end up
      declaring their independence from Great Britain.

      The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): See? Told you so.

      Battlefield Earth (2000): You're about to piss away 118 minutes of  
      your life that you’ll never get back.


      “Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?”
      The Harry Potter film series (2001–2011): Harry Potter’s nemesis—the sinister, petty,
      morally ambiguous double- or triple-agent Severus Snape—is that guy from Die Hard

        Battlefield Earth (2000): You’re not hallucinating; it really is this bad.

        Cowboys & Aliens: There’s cowboys.

          Battlefield Earth (2000): Some reviewers have a gift for understatement.

          The Prestige (2006): This movie about illusion, deception, love, hate,
          betrayal, bizarre pesudoscience, and revenge will have no twists
          whatsoever. And certainly not more than one of them.

          Battlefield Earth (2000): We warned you. Didn’t we warn you?

          1. Silence, as the old saying goes, can be deafening.


          1. FACT CHECK!
            1) The United States did NOT in fact declare independence from Great Britain, but rather, from England.
            2)Alleging that Battlefield Earth is "118 minutes of your life that you'll never get back" is not just cruel, but inaccurate. Converts to Scientology who become "Clear" can get as many as 90 of those minutes back.
            3) CowPERSONS. Seriously.

          2. Item (2) may be the best argument we've heard for Scientology.

            Of course, by "best" we mean "only," and by "we" we mean "a nameless, anonymous person with no credit rating to slash, no trash to snoop through, and no animosity whatsoever towards Scientology or any other highly litigious group that reacts insanely to even the slightest and most well-founded criticism, not that any criticism of Scientology is ever well-founded."