Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Patented Pat Robertson Prediction Method

Boy, do I ever feel like a schmoe.

Barely twenty-four hours after I claimed there’d be a billion-to-one chance that Pat Robertson would ever read my criticism of his Haiti comments, we here at the local Bowling in the Dark branch office were stunned to receive a visit from none other than the Reverend himself. He informed us that God had not only told him about the posting but also given him directions to our secret mountain stronghold, so, sure enough, he hopped into his solid gold Learjet and crossed the country to have a good sit-down talk.1

And I’m glad he did. We had a great discussion about—among other things—TV ratings, hypocrisy, tremendous amounts of money, warped self-image, and the nature of bullshit, and it turns out that Pat isn’t interested in any of those things.2

We spent a good long while on the subject of predictions, and any number of things Pat mentioned on the subject made good sense.4 He pointed out, for example, that any old fool with years of extensive education and a degree in meteorology can predict the weather, but by predicting things that haven’t actually happened yet, that poor honest bastard runs the risk of being proven clearly and indisputably wrong.

A fool without a meteorology degree, on the other hand, can easily predict things that have already happened, and can blame their happening on any reason the aforementioned fool pleases, so long as the stated reason (1) matches his existing prejudices and (2) cannot be factually verified in any meaningful way.

I took great notes on all this, and even asked him to help me explain the weather in a couple of select locations across the globe, so I could see for myself how it worked. I’m new to this, so I won’t begin to pretend that I can pretend to explain a devastating tragedy such as a tsunami, earthquake, or New Kids on the Block reunion tour. For now, I’ll stick to today’s weather, but rest assured that Pat (or, as I call him, Pat) and I made these predictions ourselves, basing them on the Patented Pat Robertson Prediction Method personally endorsed by Pat Robertson himself, and available to you for a minimal price plus shipping and handling:

Castro District, San Francisco, California: Mostly sunny, high of 56°F, slight breeze.
Pat Robertson’s God continues to smile, day by pleasant day, on this happy and rainbow-bedecked little neighborhood.

Qandahar, Afghanistan: Sunny, high of 64°F, moderate winds.
Lovely weather for flying kites or being a Muslim.

Los Angeles, California: Sunny, 62°F
The Los Angeles area, home of legions of Hollywood liberals and the International Church of Scientology, is currently being blessed with its 2,130,452nd consecutive day of perfect weather.

Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming: 112 earthquakes within the last week.
All of these earthquakes were minor, indicating that God is merely irritated rather than genuinely wrathful. Turns out he's irked at the U.S. government for limiting snowmobile access to the park, and he's also upset with Himself for the final design for the moose, which He says “looks like a jerk.”

Fairbanks, Alaska: Bitterly cold (–3°F), 17+ hours of oppressive darkness per night.
God’s angry at white Alaskans for taking the land from the native Inuit; at the native Inuit, for being mad at the white Alaskans for taking their land; and polar bears, for being buttholes. Also snow—He particularly dislikes snow, but appreciates irony, so He plans to continue to smite snow by burying it under snow.5

Virginia Beach, Virginia: Overcast, gusting winds, freezing rain. Generally horrible, horrible weather.
Hoo boy—somebody here sure pissed Him off.

1. Pat informed me that he initially wanted a solid gold helicopter, but God told him that He didn’t approve of anything but fixed-wing aircraft. Pat said that God had been on the fence for a long time, and probably would have given helicopters His thumbs-up if only the Army had named their AH-64 Apache the AH-64 White Person, or if Igor Sikorsky’s name hadn’t made him sound “like he was probably a commie.”
2. And I super totally believe this.3
3. Totally.
4. Zero is a number.
5. I don’t actually know anything about Alaskan history. It’s possible that white settlers and Inuit get along swimmingly and always have; I really don’t know. I can say for a fact, though, that polar bears really are buttholes—especially the ones around Fairbanks, who are so self-absorbed and unsociable that people believe that you can’t find polar bears anywhere near Fairbanks. Look it up.


  1. I'm afraid I have to agree with the good Reverend vis-a-vis "weathermen." It's all about looking good in a suit and having a last name that is preferably a weather-related phenomenon or at the very least named for a geographical feature or location.

    You've made a dangerous enemy in Pat Robertson. God tends to take Robertson's side, as apparently he and the Lord's kid are pretty good pals.