Saturday, November 21, 2009

Best Blog Ever Humbly Announces Fourth Follower

The word is out on Bowling in the Dark, the smash hit blog recently described by experts1 as “probably the best blog ever,” which today modestly announced that it had acquired its fourth follower in just its second month of existence.

This blindingly rapid expansion of Bowling in the Dark’s fan base is gratifying and humbling, despite being not at all unexpected. We are, after all, pretty darned cool.

Statistics2 suggest that, if the list of followers continues to quadruple each month—a perfectly reasonable expectation, as far as we know3—by February 2010, Bowling in the Dark will have more worldwide followers than L. Ron Hubbard; by September it will surpass the size of the Republican Party4, and by March 2011, Bowling in the Dark will reach approximately 17.1 billion followers.

After it was brought to our attention that this last number exceeded, by some 10.3 billion, the entire population of the Earth, Bowling in the Dark staff pseudoscientists conducted an in-depth analysis of the calculations and the fundamental assumptions upon which they were based. They have concluded that this admittedly unusual—even shocking—projection can mean one of only two things:

1. Years of scientific research by luminaries like Jane Goodall and Dian Fossey5 will finally pay off with meaningful communication between humans and animals. And these apes, after rapidly tiring of internet pornography, will gradually find their way to us. We’re confident they won’t be disappointed—they entertain themselves by throwing their own feces, for Pete’s sake; we’re at least a couple of notches classier than that.6

2.The human race will encounter extraterrestrial intelligence. The rest of the progression will be eerily similar: a. find internet, b. get tired of pornography, c. search blogosphere for intelligent life, d. settle enthusiastically on Bowling in the Dark. It’s quite possible that our blog will turn out to be the very reason an alien civilization would seek out our planet in the first place. Whether these extraterrestrials will be of the Reese’s Pieces–eating, glowing-tummy type or the “enslave all humanity” type—or even the friendly-Brian-Dennehy type who loves old people, or the susceptible-to-Earth’s-simple-viruses type—we can’t be sure. But frankly, as long as they read us and love us and occasionally leave entertaining and insightful responses to our posts, we don’t really care how many of Earth’s monuments they demolish with their colossal lasers.

That’s right, readers, a breakthrough of truly astounding, even cosmic proportions is right around the corner. Pretty soon you will be talking to, or potentially fleeing from, angry talking monkeys or our new alien pals and/or overlords.

What’s better is that you—yes, you—can help make this happen. Tell your friends about Bowling in the Dark, and tell them to read us and love us with all of their withered, inadequate little hearts.

We here at Bowling in the Dark are grateful and appreciative—in addition to other synonyms for “grateful”—for your support during our early struggle for survival, and that support will not be forgotten for hours or even days. But remember, if you don’t tell all you friends about us, the terrorists win. And if you tell only half your friends, the terrorists may make it to overtime and force a tie, which still moves them up in the standings.

Don’t let the terrorists make the playoffs! They’re better funded than the New York Yankees, and almost as evil.7 It’s up to you.

1. Source: Some Guy, personal communication, November 21, 2009.
2. That we have just made up.
3. Although we admit that have been drinking heavily.
4. The Republican Party of Puerto Rico.
5. You know her, she was played by Sigourney Weaver in that movie about the gorillas in our midst. I think it was called Project X.
6. Although we do admit to enjoying a good old-fashioned Feces Fight every once in a blue moon.
7. See note 3.

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