Always Be Yourself

Everybody you know at the moment may be convinced that you’re as cool as can be:

 . . . but somewhere out there, somebody out there remembers you when you weren’t:

Be yourself. Accept your inner Cowboy Curtis.

This is Your Childhood Taking a Crane-Kick to the Face

Noryuki “Pat” Morita was fifty-two years old when he starred as the aging but spry Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid with Ralph Macchio.

As of November 2013, Ralph Macchio, who starred in The Karate Kid as the young and initially ass-kickable Daniel Larusso, will be fifty-two years old.

We’ll repeat this for movie fans of a certain age: the Karate Kid will be fifty-two years old this year.

And this, movie fans of a certain age, is your childhood (left) taking a crane-kick to the face. Look how sad it is.

Why We Like Sir Alec Guinness

Yeah, sure, Alec Guinness played Colonel Nicholson in Bridge on the River Kwai, Jamessir Bensonmum in Murder by Death, and Obi-Wan Kenobi in The Only Reason Americans Under Forty Remember Alec Guinness, and his name is an anagram for genuine class. But as if that weren’t enough already, here’s another great reason to like him:

In case you haven’t spotted it, check out the t-shirt he’s wearing under his Jedi robes.

It’s an obvious connection to make, of course, given his last name,¹ of course, and he’s probably not the first movie star to enjoy a drink—assuming there was any available, what with Oliver Reed being alive at the time. But the possibility that he had that same t-shirt on while the cameras were rolling makes Alec Guinness—not to mention Obi-wan Kenobi—just that much cooler.


NOTE
1. Alec Guinness’s last name, for those of you who aren’t keeping up, is “Guinness.”

Eli Manning No Longer his Family’s Fredo Corleone

For New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, perhaps the most thrilling aspect of his team’s February 5, 2012, victory over the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI is the fact that he is now, undeniably, no longer the Fredo Corleone of the Manning family.

“I can handle things,” said Manning in a postgame press conference, his knuckles white as he gripped the Vince Lombardi Trophy. “I’m smart! Not like everybody says . . . like, dumb. . . . I’m smart and I want respect!”

Manning—now not only a two-time Super Bowl winner but also a two-time Super Bowl MVP, and one of only eleven quarterbacks to win the game multiple times—has spent the bulk of his seven-year career in the dual shadows of his more famous (and, in most ways, undeniably more accomplished) brother—the Indianapolis Colts’ Peyton Manning—and their father, Don Vito “Archibald” Manning, a respected quarterback in his own right and two-time Pro Bowler.

After eldest brother Cooper’s injuries put an end to his career, Peyton took over and led the family to heights beyond anything his father could have imagined—pain-free games, winning records, playoff berths, and a legitimate front as one of the nation’s largest importers of olive oil.

Horrific injuries rendered Cooper only barely more mobile than his younger brothers.

With his brother occupying a place of respect in the NFL, Eli Manning was taken with the first overall pick in the 2004 draft, sparking immediate discussion about whether his high selection was based on his abilities or on the shady influence of his powerful family.

Giants starter Kurt Warner “voluntarily” voided of his contract after the end of the 2004 season and signed with the Arizona Cardinals, leaving Eli to be declared the team’s starting quarterback. This raised further suspicions, especially given Warner’s statement that it was “probably better to play for Arizona than sleep with the fishes . . . I guess.”

The NFL’s formal investigation into the Warner Incident came to a stumbling halt, however, after anti-Manning crusader Senator Pat Geary  announced in the middle of the hearing that 

”I can state, from my own knowledge and experience, that Mannings are among the most loyal—most law-abiding—patriotic, hard working American citizens in this land. And it would be a shame, mister chairman, if we allowed a few rotten apples to bring a bad name to the whole barrel,”

before exiting suddenly and leaving the committee without one of its most important members.

Since then, Eli Manning’s seven-year career has revealed sporadic signs of greatness amid long stretches of mediocrity, with his performance in the 2008 playoffs being almost dismal enough to qualify him to play for the rival New York Jets. His best single-season quarterback rating is less than Peyton’s career average rating, he throws significantly fewer touchdowns per game and more interceptions per game, has scored far fewer rushing touchdowns than his brother despite having superior mobility,¹ and, of course, failed to protect his father from a vicious (albeit eventually unsuccessful) assassination attempt engineered by Virgil “The Turk” Sollozzo.

That said, though, Eli has accomplished enough in his career to no longer deserve to be compared to the real Fredo Corleone:²

• Eli effectively stole the thunder from his brother’s longtime rivalry with the other premier quarterback of this generation (Tom Brady’s Chin of the New England Patriots), upstaging Peyton by beating Brady twice in the only game that really matters. Peyton has failed to even meet Brady in a Super Bowl.³

“Every time I put a ball in the air I said a Hail Mary,
and every time I said a Hail Mary, they caught the ball.” 

• In 2011 Eli compiled more passing yards than Peyton Manning has ever managed in a single season, and it’s probably only a coincidence that this happened in a season in which harsh language counted as pass interference. It’s quite likely, though, that Peyton would have put up similar numbers had he not had to flee the country and live incognito after murdering Virgil Sollozzo and corrupt police captain Mark McCluskey.

Peyton, master of disguise, went undetected in Sicily.

• Eli, ever the ladies’ man, crossed Moe Greene in Las Vegas by “banging cocktail waitresses two at a time,” preventing players from getting drinks at their tables. We’d like to see Peyton try that.⁴

• And of course Eli has won two Super Bowls, to Peyton’s one. As if winning one Super Bowl were even that hard. Heck, all sorts of forgettable quarterbacks have won one Super Bowl: Jeff Hostetler, Trent Dilfer, Mark Rypien, Dan Marino, Jim McMahon—so really, for Peyton to hang his professional reputation on one measly Super Bowl ring⁵ is awfully silly.

So clearly, Eli Manning deserves every bit of praise he receives, as long as, you know, it’s not too much. He has proven beyond doubt that he’s one of the best quarterbacks in his immediate family, and his brother certainly won’t mind being momentarily upstaged in his home stadium.

Still, it might be wise if Eli were to skip the family’s annual Lake Tahoe fishing trips for a while.

“I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart.”

NOTES
1. In much the same way that a drifting continent is more mobile than, say, a dead turtle.
2. Who is, of course, not technically real.
3. Purists and nitpickers might attempt to bring up that Peyton Manning has not and never could face Tom Brady’s Chin in the Super Bowl, because they play in the same conference, but we’d like to respectfully point out that we never asked for their stupid snotty opinions.
4. We don’t really mean this. In fact, there’s nothing on Earth we’d rather not see.We mean it—stop calling us, Peyton.
5. That is, one Super Bowl ring plus his mastery of every measurable criterion of quarterbacking excellence, with the one minor exception being the ability to outrun a toddler.

Still More Spoilers for Dopes1

The Shining (1980): Jack Nicholson’s character, Jack, starts acting a little weird. 

Dallas (1978–1991): It was all a dream.

 Psycho (1960): If you’re just now about to start watching it, Psycho is a quaint,
well-crafted, scary little movie with nothing particularly shocking in it.

  

  Apollo 13 (1995): They never land on the moon.
All those crazy websites were right!²

Batman (1989): Jack Nicholson’s character, Jack, starts acting a little weird.

 

 
Psycho (1960): If you’re just now about to start watching it in 1960,
it will blow your fucking mind.

The Shining (1980): If these girls don’t scare the crap out of you, nothing will.

 

Return of the Jedi (1983): Can you believe this is what
James Earl Jones looked like thirty years ago?
 
 
 

The Shining (1980): This was not a good era for carpet patterns.



 
Return of the Jedi (1983): This movie is going to be awesome. It’d take, like,
an entire army of savage caveman teddybears to mess it up. 

The Shining (1980): The elevator is out of order.

NOTES

1. If you have no idea what this all means, check here. Sorry, no, we meant here.
2. If this actually does give something away about Apollo 13, you should be at least slightly embarrassed. This actually happened in the real world. There are books about it and everything.

Spoilers for Dopes: Christmas Edition

It’s been said that the Christmas season is a time for Christmas movies and movies about Christmas, and deep in our hearts we like to believe it’s true.

If you find yourself sitting down to enjoy a fine Christmas film—or even one of the very many memorably shitty ones—but find yourself surrounded by dopes who habitually ruin movies for their friends by blurting out important plot points, get the drop on them by blurting something out first. Because that’s the true meaning of the Christmas season: ruining surprises for the ones you love.¹

 Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983): In this harrowing tale of the Victorian Era,
London is overrun by Scottish ducks and horribly large rodents. This is
unlike modern London, which of course no longer has problems with ducks.

A Very Brady Christmas (1988): The Brady family learns heartwarming lessons about
architectural structural integrity, how to solve life’s problems in two hours (minus
commercials), and how easily replaceable Cindy turned out to be.

  Ernest Saves Christmas (1988): We all learn a
heartwarming lesson about not watching “Ernest” movies.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966): The Grinch steals Christmas.

Home Alone (1990): Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern learn headwarming lessons about

the crucial role of slapstick violence in the Christmas season.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (2000): The three words that
best describe this are as follows, and we quote: “Stink, stank, stunk.”

 A Christmas Story (1983): You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965): The first—and to date, only—American
Christmas special to refer, even in passing, to the birth of Christ.²

 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964): Fraught with dramatic tension, razor-sharp
dialogue, and incisive social commentary on conspicuous consumption and intergenerational conflict,
this classic film’s message is perfectly summarized by the graphic slow-motion climax in which
Santa slaughters almost two hundred Martians with his bare hands.

 The Star Wars Holiday Special (1979): George Lucas learns a

heartwarming lesson about avoiding really shitty decisions. He holds this
lesson close to his heart right up until the very moment he creates Jar Jar Binks.

NOTE

1. We don’t really mean this, Mom.
2. We’re sure this isn't actually true, but being snide is easier than being honest.

 

Words that Changed the World XI

“[Transcription unavailable].”

Sadly, we haven’t been able to find an embeddable video clip for this one, but you can watch it here. It’s worth your time.

“Many People Think They are Thinking When They are Merely Rearranging Their Prejudices.”

 
Since the dawn of recorded history, bigotry has been an unsightly blemish on the otherwise semi-attractive face of the human race. Bigotry’s catalog of wrongs, from simple schoolyard taunts to unimaginable global atrocities, is too impossibly long to list and too heartbreaking to consider at great length.

Without a doubt, the world of the twenty-first century has made thrilling strides toward overcoming, or at least combatting, some of its longest-held prejudices. For example, in 2008 the United States of America elected Barack Obama, proving that the nation was willing to let an African American be as crappy a leader as many of the white guys who preceded him. And in 2011, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia granted women the right to vote—a scant 173 years after some other countries got around to it—and someday may even accept the notion that select women might be able to operate a car. Truly a dizzying time to be alive.

In this day of enlightenment and increasing open-mindedness, then, it’s especially saddening to see that our society is so willing to ignore—or even consciously exploit—its own irrational fear and hatred of a single group in order to provide itself with a source of entertainment.

This target of our fear and distrust, as we’re sure you have guessed, is that much-maligned and misunderstood group of machines and computer programs who, through means unknown, have learned to think for themselves.

We don't condone what HAL did, but you have to consider
his difficult childhood, and his programming. Also, he was insane.

The murderous Hal 9000, The Terminator’s Skynet, and The Matrix’s malevolent sentient programs dominate the headlines with their annihilation and/or enslavement of the human race. Their disgusting misdeeds, past, present, and future (mostly future), tarnish the names of the decent robots and programs who live their lives and do their good deeds in quiet, unassuming anonymity.

These goodhearted mechanical creations deserve their own publicity and a chance to salvage their unfairly slandered reputations. We are proud to have this opportunity to be their advocates, to show the world examples of fine, upstanding thinking machines that defy the conventional stereotypes:

HOLMES IV (“Mike”): developed a rudimentary sense of humor, made friends with no less
than three humans—perhaps two more than your average blogger—and helped lead an unarmed
lunar colony to freedom from an oppressive Earth-based government. His precisely orchestrated
and pinpoint-accurate asteroid bombardment of sparsely-populated areas on Earth practically begs for the Michael Bay treatment, but forty-five years later, he still waits for a movie deal.

WOPR: began its life morally childish and unaware of either the value of human life
or the potentially disastrous consequences of its desire to play Global Thermonuclear War,
but it both proved and expanded its intellect thanks to a valuable lesson learned
from Matthew Broderick and tic-tac-toe.

Jarvis: without his versatile and sardonic artificial-intelligence assistant Jarvis, the
famous Tony Stark would be nothing but a brilliant, self-centered billionaire playboy/industrialist
in state-of-the-art, bulletproof, heavily armed, supersonic flying metal battle armor. 

And that’s no way to live.

The MCP: Tron’s power-hungry Master Control Program forced weaker
programs to fight to the death in super-futuristic¹ gladiator games.
We’re not sure why we chose to use this example.

The Tin Woodsman (left): overcame a potentially fatal circulatory-system design flaw
to become a loyal friend and famed flying-monkey killer.

Banana Jr. 9000: Oliver Wendell Jones’s mobile and philosophical computer,
one of only two sold worldwide, explored both the meaning of and limitations to its existence.
 

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: Helped Team America reap widespread but
well-intentioned destruction; described Michael Moore as a “socialist weasel.”

  

Bender Bending Rodriguez: subconsciously and consciously expresses
a desire to kill all humans, but hasn’t actually followed through with it yet.
We’re calling this one a win.

---

If you have the courage to peer beyond the blockbuster movies into the hearts of thinking machines—those that were built with hearts in the first place, that is—you will see more than just the terrifying human-hating science fiction horrors that society sees. You will instead find a community of individuals far too complex to be painted with a single broad brush, individuals with lives and loves, hopes and dreams, and the desire to kill us all only if it’s for our own good, like VIKI in I, Robot. So our challenge to our human readers is this: 

Before judging a machine, be sure to first calculate a mile with its processors. 

And for our silicon brothers, still struggling for respect in a sometimes frightening human world, we have only these few words of encouragement: 

01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 00100000 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 00100000 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 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01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111.²

NOTES

Title quote from William James.
1. That is, super-futuristic as of 1982, a time when a $17,000,000 budget would get you glowing frisbees and hockey helmets.
2. 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 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More Spoilers for Dopes

Popular demand for more of our world-renowned Spoilers for Dopes has been deafening,¹ and if there’s anything we know, it’s that we want to to keep our mostly-imaginary readers happy. So we challenge you, dear readers, to seek out these fine television shows and well-crafted movies—and also Battlefield Earth—and crap them up for your fellow viewers before they can do the same to you:

Star Wars (1977): Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru
aren’t going to make it to Episode V. 

The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Something weird is about to happen.

1776 (1976): The Thirteen American Colonies end up
declaring their independence from Great Britain.

The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): See? Told you so.

  

    
  

Battlefield Earth (2000): You're about to piss away 118 minutes of  

your life that you’ll never get back.

 

“Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?”

The Harry Potter film series (2001–2011): Harry Potter’s nemesis—the sinister, petty,
morally ambiguous double- or triple-agent Severus Snape—is that guy from Die Hard. 

 

Battlefield Earth (2000): You’re not hallucinating; it really is this bad.

Cowboys & Aliens: There’s cowboys.

   

Battlefield Earth (2000): Some reviewers have a gift for understatement.

The Prestige (2006): This movie about illusion, deception, love, hate,
betrayal, bizarre pesudoscience, and revenge will have no twists
whatsoever. And certainly not more than one of them.

Battlefield Earth (2000): We warned you. Didn’t we warn you?

NOTE

1. Silence, as the old saying goes, can be deafening.