The [Something]'s [Somebody], or How to Name Your Bestseller

Thinking is hard—
but help is on the way!

Are you almost finished writing your bestselling novel, but know that you won’t be able to land an appearance on Oprah without a catchy title?

Don’t worry, this happens to everyone. And we mean everyone—even William Shakespeare struggled to decide on names for his works, which is how he ended up with the title Twelfth Night, or Whatever You Want to Call It. So if Shakespeare stinks at coming up with titles, you almost certainly do too—congratulations!

Fortunately for you, and for modern English-language literature as the world knows it, we have created a simple, fool-proof three-step solution:

STEP 1. Select one of the following. This will be the first word of your title:

 

Her

His 

My

The 

Leave blank if you’re feeling especially risky or creative

STEP 2. Select one of the following. This will be the second word of your title, unless it consists of multiple words, in which case, prepare to lose count:

Adam’s

Ahab’s

Alchemist’s

Apothecary’s

Aphrodite’s

Arch Enemy’s

Astronaut’s

Bachelor’s 

Baker’s

Belshazzar’s

BoneMan’s

Bonesetter’s

Boss’s

Burgermeister’s

Captain’s

Cattle Baron’s

Charwoman’s

Cleopatra’s

Collector’s

Daughter’s 

Ditchdiggers’

Doctor’s

Dorflin’s

Dr. Dumany’s

Dr. Mathieson’s

Druggist’s

Drummer’s

Eve’s

Executive Officer’s

Exhibitionist’s

Exile’s

Farmer’s

Father of Pharaoh’s

Father’s 

Firework-Maker’s

Forbidden

General’s

General’s

Glass-Blower’s

Gold Cat’s

Gravedigger’s

Hangman’s

Heretic’s

His

Hummingbird’s

Husband’s

Incontinent Calligrapher’s

Jacobin’s

Job’s

Judge’s

Killer’s

Kin-da-shon’s

Lady Rose’s

Letters of Dostoyevsky to His

Lieutenant’s Ex-

Linebacker’s 

Lord Tony’s

M.D.’s Secret

M.P.’s

Mad Scientist’s

Memory Keeper’s

Mother’s 

Murderer’s

My Father’s

My Friend’s 

Nazi Officer’s

Night-Rider’s

19th

Pantywaist’s

President’s

Princess Sultana’s

Prophet’s

Queen’s

Regent’s

Reverend’s

Sausage Maker’s

Secret Policeman’s 

Shakespeare’s

Shaman’s

Shipbuilder’s

Shoemaker’s

Sleeping with the Enemy’s

Solter’s

Tiger’s

Time Traveler’s

Traitor’s

Tycoon’s Convenient

Unimaginative Editor’s

Vicar’s

Wealthy Greek’s Contract

Wife’s Husband’s

Witch’s

Wright’s Chaste

STEP 3. Select one of the following:
 

Daughter[s]
Wife
Other Ball

 

. . . and you’re done!

You should be aware, however, that all of the above terms come from real book titles, except of course for the ones we made up and the one obscure reference to a thirty-five-year-old benefit show directed by Monty Python’s John Cleese. So you may have to go through the process a couple of times to find a combination that won’t get you sued by a publisher whose uncreative editors have already mastered this process.

Good luck, and don’t forget us when you’re the toast of the publishing world, sharing cocktails with Amy Tan, Audrey Niffenegger, Philip Pullman, and Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

Actually, on second thought, if you’re having drinks with Dostoyevsky, leave us out of it, because he’s been dead for more than 130 years, and we don’t socialize with zombies.