Is Your Spam Filter Sucking the Joy out of Life? Almost Certainly Yes.

For those of us who do not yet need a prescription for V1agra, Ci@l1s, Gevalia,¹ or other heavily discounted Canadian pharmaceuticals, the continuing evolution of the spam filter is nothing but good news.

It’s good news because, well, let’s face it: e-mail scams work. They have to be working once in a while, otherwise people wouldn’t bother sending them. Bad people have always been able to make a good living taking money from good people. And there’s nothing funny about giving away all your money to complete strangers who you’ve never met in person, didn’t know your name when they first contacted you, and tell you that you’ve won a lottery that you’d never entered and haven’t even heard of.

Important note: we said there’s nothing funny about this. We did not say it wasn’t totally stupid and embarrassing. So it is, in fact, mostly a good thing that spam filters work in order to keep con men and scammers away from idiots like all of us.²

There is never, ever, ever a catch when
strangers offer you free money. Ever.

That said, though, a finely tuned spam filter does take away from us one of internet life’s free and simple pleasures—the joy of reading and laughing at scam messages that have been written by really, really stupid people.

Again, e-mail scams do work once in a while, but they tend to be most successful when the fairly smart prey on the dull, unlucky, or unobservant, or when the very smart prey on the smart-but-gullible.³ They rarely work when the very stupid cast about to find the extremely stupid.

A very stupid con man might, for example, dream up a back story that involves no less than five separate banks, two lotteries—“LEGIT lottery organizations,” mind you, not the shady kind that criminal scam artists might mention, no way—three law enforcement agencies, the Federal Ministry of Finance (one of the many Ministries operated by the United States government), the Western Union courier service, and, for reasons inscrutable to anybody on this planet, Coca-Cola. These diverse elements might then be weaved into a giant sort of reverse-Nigerian scam aimed at folks who have already fallen for the Nigerian scam and sold to you, the reader, in English so fractured that it makes Yakov Smirnoff sound like Alec Guinness.⁴

We have no interest en exhaustively cataloging the flaws in the below message, which we actually fished out of our spam filter by chance, and present to you here unedited.⁵ We will say, however, that that it seems unlikely that FBI agents bother to include “FBIagent” in their e-mail addresses, and even more unlikely that they, being U.S. federal employees, would have their accounts set up with a UK-based public server.⁶

Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)

Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington Dc

http://www.fbi.gov/libref/directors/direcmain.htm

Attn:Beneficiary

I am Mr.Robert S.Mueller, The FBI Director; After proper investigations,we discovered that your impending payment that have been withheld by imposters, claiming to be LAMIDO SANUSI LAMIDO (Governor of the Central bank of Nigeria), Mr. Patrick Aziza, Mr. Frank Nweke, None existing officials of the Oceanic Bank of Nigeria and Zenith Bank, UK winning Lottery, Andy Lear of Hsbc bank, Coca-Cola winning lottery and among a list of others is now under our custody with the help of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and the Local Police Force.

Investigations revealed that you have spent a lot on your personal earned money just to conclude the successful transfer of your funds to your nominated bank account by obtaining transfer documents as requested by the imposters, costing you a lot of money but all to no avail.

The FBI had to send some financial crime investigators from our headquarters in Washington DC to Africa in other to carry out proper investigation, after receiving series of other reports similar to yours as you are not the only person awaiting the legal transfer of funds from Africa.

The FBI has giving authority to the International Monetary Funds (IMF) to assist the Federal Ministry  of Finance and all the organization involved; such as the Central Bank, Zenith Bank, and Legit lottery organizations to immediately commence with the compensation of all the beneficiaries awaiting the successful transfer of their funds.

With the help of some of the best Internet investigators attached to the FBI, we traced your information from the Internet as one of the beneficiaries awaiting the successful transfer of funds to your nominated account.

I am pleased to inform you that a meeting was held as regards the best way to carry out with the compensation exercise for transparency and mostespecially to avoid reoccurrence of the delay in transferring your funds and the high cost of procuring transfer documents and came to a final conclusionas all head of organizations involved was duly represented.

It was approved to be issued to you as a valid international ATM card cashable at any ATM machine designation in the world. The ATM account has already being credited with two million, five hundred thousand United States dollars. ($2.5,000, 000.00USD) , with a daily Limit of withdrawal of Ten thousand United States Dollars. ($10.000, 00USD).The ATM card has already being packaged and approved to be delivered to your door step via express courier delivery service.

Contact Mr.Ben Johnson {Our FBI ATM Rep.} at the ATM PAYMENT CENTER and reconfirm your delivery information as stated below and your security codewith five digit (FBI12) number has to be submitted alongside with your delivery information for security reasons.

DELIVERY INFROMATION:

FULL NAME AND AGE:

DELIVERY ADDRESS:

CELL PHONE NUMBER:

CURRENT OCCUPATION:

CONTACT INFORMATION:

NAME: AGENT BEN JOHNSON.

EMAIL: fbiagentbenjonhson@yahoo.co.uk

CELL PHONE NUMBER: +234-806-077-4261

HAVE IT IN MIND THAT THE DELIVERY FEE OF YOUR PACKAGE DELIVERY TO  YOUR  DESTINATION HAVE BEEN SETTLED BETWEEN WE AND THE COURIER COMPANY IN CHARGE OF YOUR ATM CARD DELIVERY.SO YOU ARE MANDATED TO PAY FOR THE SECURITY KEEPING FEE ONLY FOR YOUR ATM CARD TO BE DELIVERED TO YOU.

A RELIABLE AND A TRUSTED COURIER COMPANY HAS BEEN  CONTRACTED TO DELIVER YOUR PACKAGE TO YOUR DESTINATION,AS SOON AS YOU CONTACT MR BEN JOHNSON HE WILL UPDATE YOU WITH THE COURIER COMPANY EMAIL CONTACT ADDRESS IN OTHER TO AVOID ANY UNDUE DELAY OF YOUR ATM CARD.

NOTE: Under normal circumstances you are suppose to come and collect your ATM CARD in person and sign some documents as proof of the collection of your ATM CARD but the IMF and the Finance Ministry insisted that you pay for the SECURITY KEEPING FEE ONLY of your ATM CARD via western union money transfer, which will cost you only  $150.00 USD to cut down travel expenses in other for the western union payment receipt and the receipt of payment of $150.00 USD to the nominated courier company that will carry out with the delivery to your door step  to be  documented in your file as proof yourcollection.  We hope that is very clear.  A receipt to this effect will be sent to you and a copy kept in your file for future documentation.

We also advise that you stop further communications with these imposters and forward any correspondence / proposal you receive from them to Mr. Ben Johnson in other for the FBI to bring justice to does still at large.

GOD BLESS US..

REGARDS.

Mr. Robert S.Mueller III

FBI DIRECTOR..

On Soviet Tatooine, FORCE feels YOU!

NOTES
1. Technically speaking, Gevalia is not a prescription drug, but a brand of coffee. And it’s not Canadian, but Swedish. But if you honestly believe it’s not a drug, just take a look at yourself when you go a whole morning without it, Ms. Jittery Crankypants. And if you can correctly identify both Canada and Sweden on a map, you probably didn’t go to school around here.
2. But mostly like you.
3. You know who you are.
4. Your gut reaction here might be to criticize us for our childish mockery of some foreigner’s English-language skills. On most occasions you would be right to do so; in general, making fun of someone’s efforts to speak an unfamiliar tongue is petty and offensive, especially given that the average American is fluent in slightly less than one language. In this case, however, we’re willing to make an exception because these assholes are trying to steal from you.
5. With the exception of having stripped out e-mail and web links, and changed the addresses slightly so you don’t inadvertently click on something you don’t want to.
6. In an attempt to keep our blog family-friendly, we have excised the brief commentary that followed our last paragraph and placed it here instead, knowing full well that nobody ever reads footnotes. That comment, in its entirety, read as follows: “Fucking idiots.”