This Just In!

At press time, authorities had unearthed nearly 2,500 more potential victims,
and are on the lookout for suspects dressed in black and described as “sad.”

Irony, Illustrated

If you want to get technical, we will be forced to admit it’s possible that this fellow is protesting the stupidity of the Moran family, whoever they are. But you’d have to be a moran to believe that.

Today in American History: Abraham Lincoln Born in a Log Cabin He Built with his Own Hands1

“Be excellent to each other.”

—Abraham Lincoln, San Dimas High School, 1988

NOTES 
1. According to an unknown but now legendary American student that, for all we know, may actually have existed. 

This Just In!

We’re not quite sure why this is news. The only reasonable conclusion to
come to is that this headline was supposed to read “after she died.”
Because that would be news.

How to Screw Up a Magazine Cover, and Possibly Your Career

Step One: Obscure a mundane word like Where in such a way that it not only insults your cover model but also might make the average reader¹ hesitant to be seen in public with a copy of your magazine.

There is no Step Two. Extra bonus points, though, if you’re employed long enough to make the same mistake twice:

The more we think about it, the more likely it seems that Orange County Whore² magazine would sell a ton of copies. It’s tough to start a magazine from scratch, though. Our editorial staff has spent months trying to solicit articles from potential contributors, but they keep getting arrested for it.



NOTES
1. Possibly not including the particularly well-read hooker.
2. We’re thinking the full title will be Orange County Whore: News and Views for the Discriminating Hooker. Classy, eh?

Why Listen When You can Just Fix the Problem?

Courtesy of Jason Headley.

This is Why Your Auto-Spellchecker Is Not Enough: Special Yearbook Edition

In order to keep private citizens from unnecessary embarrassment, we’ve chosen to pixelate the face in the above photograph to protect the identity of the poor, unfortunate kid who, thanks to this little mishap, has been revealed to be a complete Nazi son of a bitch.