Drunk History

Bowling in the Dark does not condone public drunkenness, unless it’s educational. Or funny. Today we learn a lot about cell phones and tennis shoes, both of which existed, believe it or not, in 1804.

Drunk History Vol. 1 - Featuring Michael Cera from Drunk History     

After Months of Respectful Silence, Is the World Finally Ready to Make Jokes about Tiger Woods?

The [Something]'s [Somebody], or How to Name Your Bestseller

Thinking is hard—
but help is on the way!

Are you almost finished writing your bestselling novel, but know that you won’t be able to land an appearance on Oprah without a catchy title?

Don’t worry, this happens to everyone. And we mean everyone—even William Shakespeare struggled to decide on names for his works, which is how he ended up with the title Twelfth Night, or Whatever You Want to Call It. So if Shakespeare stinks at coming up with titles, you almost certainly do too—congratulations!

Fortunately for you, and for modern English-language literature as the world knows it, we have created a simple, fool-proof three-step solution:

STEP 1. Select one of the following. This will be the first word of your title:

 

Her

His 

My

The 

Leave blank if you’re feeling especially risky or creative

STEP 2. Select one of the following. This will be the second word of your title, unless it consists of multiple words, in which case, prepare to lose count:

Adam’s

Ahab’s

Alchemist’s

Apothecary’s

Aphrodite’s

Arch Enemy’s

Astronaut’s

Bachelor’s 

Baker’s

Belshazzar’s

BoneMan’s

Bonesetter’s

Boss’s

Burgermeister’s

Captain’s

Cattle Baron’s

Charwoman’s

Cleopatra’s

Collector’s

Daughter’s 

Ditchdiggers’

Doctor’s

Dorflin’s

Dr. Dumany’s

Dr. Mathieson’s

Druggist’s

Drummer’s

Eve’s

Executive Officer’s

Exhibitionist’s

Exile’s

Farmer’s

Father of Pharaoh’s

Father’s 

Firework-Maker’s

Forbidden

General’s

General’s

Glass-Blower’s

Gold Cat’s

Gravedigger’s

Hangman’s

Heretic’s

His

Hummingbird’s

Husband’s

Incontinent Calligrapher’s

Jacobin’s

Job’s

Judge’s

Killer’s

Kin-da-shon’s

Lady Rose’s

Letters of Dostoyevsky to His

Lieutenant’s Ex-

Linebacker’s 

Lord Tony’s

M.D.’s Secret

M.P.’s

Mad Scientist’s

Memory Keeper’s

Mother’s 

Murderer’s

My Father’s

My Friend’s 

Nazi Officer’s

Night-Rider’s

19th

Pantywaist’s

President’s

Princess Sultana’s

Prophet’s

Queen’s

Regent’s

Reverend’s

Sausage Maker’s

Secret Policeman’s 

Shakespeare’s

Shaman’s

Shipbuilder’s

Shoemaker’s

Sleeping with the Enemy’s

Solter’s

Tiger’s

Time Traveler’s

Traitor’s

Tycoon’s Convenient

Unimaginative Editor’s

Vicar’s

Wealthy Greek’s Contract

Wife’s Husband’s

Witch’s

Wright’s Chaste

STEP 3. Select one of the following:
 

Daughter[s]
Wife
Other Ball

 

. . . and you’re done!

You should be aware, however, that all of the above terms come from real book titles, except of course for the ones we made up and the one obscure reference to a thirty-five-year-old benefit show directed by Monty Python’s John Cleese. So you may have to go through the process a couple of times to find a combination that won’t get you sued by a publisher whose uncreative editors have already mastered this process.

Good luck, and don’t forget us when you’re the toast of the publishing world, sharing cocktails with Amy Tan, Audrey Niffenegger, Philip Pullman, and Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

Actually, on second thought, if you’re having drinks with Dostoyevsky, leave us out of it, because he’s been dead for more than 130 years, and we don’t socialize with zombies.

Peyton Manning Bobblehead Getting Awfully Tired of All the Jokes

 

“Come on, guys, it’s not funny anymore,” comes the muffled voice of
Manning’s head, which has probably rolled under the bed or something,
barely audible over the hard laughter of bad people.

 

The Sound of One Hand Clapping

There’s a chance that the author of the article shown below—or the editor that wrote or approved its headline—is a deep thinker making a sly reference to a famous Zen kōan:

Two hands clap and there is a sound. What is the sound of one hand?

—Hakuin Ekaku

This kōan, after all, was referred to in a 1990 episode of The Simpsons, which in this part of the world¹ may be the only sure way for your average centuries-old philosophical tradition to get any sort of publicity.

Lisa: No, Bart, it’s a 3,000-year-old riddle with no answer.
It’s supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
Bart: No answer? Lisa, listen up! [Pat pat pat]

So, sure, we’re willing to admit the possibility that the author is slyly opening our narrowed Western minds to broader and livelier veins of thought. Our sources, however, suggest he’s just a bit of a dope:

NOTE
1. Excluding Boulder County.

San Diego Chargers Starting to Wonder if Ryan Leaf Will Ever Pan Out

Hopeful fans wanted to give him five more years. Turns out the judge thought the same thing.

Why We Like Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken being creepy.

“I don't need to be made to look evil. I can do that on my own.”

—Christopher Walken

While Christopher Walken has appeared in more than one hundred movies—comedic, dramatic, and whatever you’d call Batman Returns¹—and played as wide a range of characters as any actor of his generation, he is best known to the movie-going public for his portrayals of villains. From Max Zorin to Max Schreck, from The Man with the Plan to Gabriel, Walken’s articulate intensity, distinctive offbeat cadence of speech, and gift for showing quiet, controlled menace has brought about a long and memorable succession of cinematic bad guys.

Christopher Walken being (left to right): creepy; creepy; whatever the
next step up after “creepy” is; funny but creepy (note creepy mustache).

Regarding his clipped, staccato delivery, Walken once said:

“I use punctuation, but I finish the sentence and put. A period but it’s not necessarily where somebody. Else would. I think everybody should talk. The way they want. . . . You go to school and you all . . . sit there; and all learn to do . . . the same. Thing. I guess it’s necessary. But it’s too bad also. In a way? Kids. You know, get kind of. Restrained, in a lot of ways. I probably wouldn't get a job. As an English teacher.”²

Christopher Walken, possibly deciding whether to kill you or buy you a sandwich.

So memorable are his performances as villains that it is sometimes difficult for audiences to accept him as a regular character. Even when he’s ostensibly one of the “good guys”—such as in Blast from the Past, Wedding Crashers, or The Dead Zone, it’s easy to remain convinced that his character is the kind of guy who’d tell you a knock-knock joke where the punchline is him stabbing you in the knee with a pencil.

While we’re sure he’s not at all a weird guy in real life, and while he’s performed as normal or at least weird but non-evil characters on countless occasions, it’s partly the aura of intimidating, menacing presence that he’s cultivated over the years that makes the following such a joy to behold:








NOTES 
1. Don’t get us wrong, we love Batman Returns—we’re just not sure what to call it. If Burtonism is considered its own separate film genre at this point, we’d submit Batman Returns as one of Burton’s most Burtony attempts at Burtonism.
2. It’s possible, if not particularly. Likely, that we added unusual punctuation here for. Humorous effect.