It knows what kind of show you want to see, and it’s obviously running the whole time, but it only starts working right with about five minutes to go. |
Monday, November 28, 2011
Glitchy “Tim TiVo” Device Still Immensely Popular
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
This is You Taking the National Football League Far, Far Too Seriously
What can we say about bearded men dressed as women dressed as pigs—
dressed as beauty-pageant contestants—that hasn’t already been said?
Something, probably, but we’re damned if we can think of what it might be.
dressed as beauty-pageant contestants—that hasn’t already been said?
Something, probably, but we’re damned if we can think of what it might be.
Show us a pimp that’s actually a Bengals fan,
and we'll show you the world’s crappiest pimp.
and we'll show you the world’s crappiest pimp.
Hulkamania still lives on in certain parts of the frozen American north.
No, really, he isn’t, he’s just a football player.
Although a tight spiral coming from the Broncos’
backfield could be considered a miracle.
Although a tight spiral coming from the Broncos’
backfield could be considered a miracle.
Q: What’s more intimidating than Dolphins? A: Creepy clowns.
Q: What’s more intimidating than creepy clowns? A: Everything else.
Hey, the whistles are our favorite part of the game too.
Hell no, we’re not going to make fun of the Barrel Man. The guy was a
Colorado institution. That little leprechaun dude, on the other hand. . . .
Colorado institution. That little leprechaun dude, on the other hand. . . .
. . . yeah, he kind of creeps us out.
ever since Frodo destroyed the One Ring in the fires of Mount Doom.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
“Many People Think They are Thinking When They are Merely Rearranging Their Prejudices.”
Since the dawn of recorded history, bigotry has been an unsightly blemish on the otherwise semi-attractive face of the human race. Bigotry’s catalog of wrongs, from simple schoolyard taunts to unimaginable global atrocities, is too impossibly long to list and too heartbreaking to consider at great length.
Without a doubt, the world of the twenty-first century has made thrilling strides toward overcoming, or at least combatting, some of its longest-held prejudices. For example, in 2008 the United States of America elected Barack Obama, proving that the nation was willing to let an African American be as crappy a leader as many of the white guys who preceded him. And in 2011, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia granted women the right to vote—a scant 173 years after some other countries got around to it—and someday may even accept the notion that select women might be able to operate a car. Truly a dizzying time to be alive.
In this day of enlightenment and increasing open-mindedness, then, it’s especially saddening to see that our society is so willing to ignore—or even consciously exploit—its own irrational fear and hatred of a single group in order to provide itself with a source of entertainment.
This target of our fear and distrust, as we’re sure you have guessed, is that much-maligned and misunderstood group of machines and computer programs who, through means unknown, have learned to think for themselves.
We don't condone what HAL did, but you have to consider his difficult childhood, and his programming. Also, he was insane. |
The murderous Hal 9000, The Terminator’s Skynet, and The Matrix’s malevolent sentient programs dominate the headlines with their annihilation and/or enslavement of the human race. Their disgusting misdeeds, past, present, and future (mostly future), tarnish the names of the decent robots and programs who live their lives and do their good deeds in quiet, unassuming anonymity.
These goodhearted mechanical creations deserve their own publicity and a chance to salvage their unfairly slandered reputations. We are proud to have this opportunity to be their advocates, to show the world examples of fine, upstanding thinking machines that defy the conventional stereotypes:
HOLMES IV (“Mike”): developed a rudimentary sense of humor, made friends with no less
than three humans—perhaps two more than your average blogger—and helped lead an unarmed
lunar colony to freedom from an oppressive Earth-based government. His precisely orchestrated
and pinpoint-accurate asteroid bombardment of sparsely-populated areas on Earth practically begs for the Michael Bay treatment, but forty-five years later, he still waits for a movie deal.
than three humans—perhaps two more than your average blogger—and helped lead an unarmed
lunar colony to freedom from an oppressive Earth-based government. His precisely orchestrated
and pinpoint-accurate asteroid bombardment of sparsely-populated areas on Earth practically begs for the Michael Bay treatment, but forty-five years later, he still waits for a movie deal.
WOPR: began its life morally childish and unaware of either the value of human life
or the potentially disastrous consequences of its desire to play Global Thermonuclear War,
but it both proved and expanded its intellect thanks to a valuable lesson learned
from Matthew Broderick and tic-tac-toe.
or the potentially disastrous consequences of its desire to play Global Thermonuclear War,
but it both proved and expanded its intellect thanks to a valuable lesson learned
from Matthew Broderick and tic-tac-toe.
Jarvis: without his versatile and sardonic artificial-intelligence assistant Jarvis, the
famous Tony Stark would be nothing but a brilliant, self-centered billionaire playboy/industrialist
in state-of-the-art, bulletproof, heavily armed, supersonic flying metal battle armor.
famous Tony Stark would be nothing but a brilliant, self-centered billionaire playboy/industrialist
in state-of-the-art, bulletproof, heavily armed, supersonic flying metal battle armor.
The Tin Woodsman (left): overcame a potentially fatal circulatory-system design flaw
to become a loyal friend and famed flying-monkey killer.
to become a loyal friend and famed flying-monkey killer.
Banana Jr. 9000: Oliver Wendell Jones’s mobile and philosophical computer,
one of only two sold worldwide, explored both the meaning of and limitations to its existence.
one of only two sold worldwide, explored both the meaning of and limitations to its existence.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: Helped Team America reap widespread but
well-intentioned destruction; described Michael Moore as a “socialist weasel.”
well-intentioned destruction; described Michael Moore as a “socialist weasel.”
Bender Bending Rodriguez: subconsciously and consciously expresses
a desire to kill all humans, but hasn’t actually followed through with it yet.
We’re calling this one a win.
a desire to kill all humans, but hasn’t actually followed through with it yet.
We’re calling this one a win.
If you have the courage to peer beyond the blockbuster movies into the hearts of thinking machines—those that were built with hearts in the first place, that is—you will see more than just the terrifying human-hating science fiction horrors that society sees. You will instead find a community of individuals far too complex to be painted with a single broad brush, individuals with lives and loves, hopes and dreams, and the desire to kill us all only if it’s for our own good, like VIKI in I, Robot. So our challenge to our human readers is this:
Before judging a machine, be sure to first calculate a mile with its processors.
And for our silicon brothers, still struggling for respect in a sometimes frightening human world, we have only these few words of encouragement:
01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 00100000 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 00100000 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 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01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111.2
NOTES
Title quote from William James.1. That is, super-futuristic as of 1982, a time when a $17,000,000 budget would get you glowing frisbees and hockey helmets.
2. 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 01100101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01111010 01100101 01110010 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Friday, November 11, 2011
November 11, 2011: A Mystically Portentous Date, If You Believe In That Sort of Crap
Today—November 11, 2011—is the eleventh day of the the eleventh month of a year that ends with “eleven.” Or, to put it in big orange letters,
11/11/11.
Kinda neat, huh?
For those who don’t pay particularly close attention to this sort of thing, or have little patience for certain brands of semi-mystical baloney, this is a nifty, neat-looking little coincidence, but nothing more. Sure, time itself does in fact exist,1 and it is concrete and unchangeable, except of course when it’s not.2 But our systems of measuring and recording time are just as arbitrary and subjective as most other human inventions, so there’s no reason to view a particularly interesting alignment of dates as being intrinsically more important than any other day.
To illustrate this point of view, what follows is today’s date3 according to several different calendars, all of them created by meticulous observation of the sun, moon, stars, and seasons, but nevertheless ending up with different and decidedly non-mystical ways of indicating the very same date:
- Chinese calendar: Cycle 78, year 28 (Xin-Mao), month 10 (Ji-Hai), day 16 (Geng-Wu)
- Coptic calendar: 1 Hatur 1728
- French calendar: 21 Brumaire an 220 de la Révolution
- Hebrew calendar: 14 Heshvan 5772
- Indian calendar: 20 Kartika 1933
- Islamic calendar: 14 Dhu al-Hijjah 1432
- Julian calendar: October 29, 2011
- Maya calendar: 12.19.18.15.4; tzolkin = 1 Ix; haab = 2 Ceh
- Persian calendar: 20 Aban 1390
- YOOB calendar: February 2, Year 34
It’s hard to imagine that the ancient Romans, for example, are all excited about today being October 29, 2011. Granted, the ancient Romans are all long dead, and so aren’t very excited about anything, but we argue that another reason for this is that there’s no more mystical significance to a Julian 10/29/2011 than there is to a Gregorian 11/11/11.
If this doesn’t blow your mind, try reading it backwards. |
For other folks, though, this rare coincidence of numbers signals an event no less momentous, certain, and undeniable than the apocalypse that didn’t happen on May 12, 2011, or the next one that won’t happen in late December 2012.
The 11:11 Spirit Guardians, for example, offer an e-mail list to which you can sign up “to receive the beautiful uplifting messages from various types of Celestial Beings.”5 Their website also offers a section on poetry related to the 11:11 phenomenon. “Forever . . .,” for example, promises the reader that
During the time it will take for this poem to be completed,
. . . no animals were either killed or injured in the production
by either this writer, or his immediate friends.
We feel obligated to point out that not once did Shakespeare, Poe, Tennyson, or Maya Angelou promise not to use their poetry to kill animals.
The web page for The N Visible explains that “in May 2004, the 6th Gate Activation turned the Doorway of the 11:11 inside out,” and that “11:11 is a pre-encoded trigger placed into our cellular memory banks prior to our descent into matter.” We can’t pretend to know what any of this means, but we do like that the website features photographs of warm and inviting rituals that could be mistaken for a reenactment of the end credits to The 40-Year-Old Virgin:
Definitely not serious. |
Apparently serious. |
As much as we like the idea of receiving messages from Celestial Beings, frolicking on well-manicured seaside lawns while waiting to become part of the emerging universal One Being, or refusing to kill animals with the power of the written word, we’re inclined to take a more practical view of today’s date. According to an online author going by the name paradigmsearch,6
Even when taking into account the differences between the Gregorian and Julian calendars, nothing significant appears to have happened 900 years ago during the year 1111; nothing significant appears to have happened 1,000 years ago during the year 1011; [and] nothing significant appears to have happened 2,000 years ago during the year 11.
So November 11, 2011, will probably be just as dull and un-momentous as those other momentous dates. Except that we have iPads, because this is the future.
If today does indeed turn out to be as mundane and uneventful as we expect it to be, we hope that the mystical optimists among us don’t take it too badly. We suspect that, rather than despairing, many of these folks will latch onto something that happens today—whether it’s a flat tire, a long look from an attractive co-worker, or a free fourteenth donut in their baker’s dozen—and fill it with an entire belief system’s worth of significance that it doesn’t really deserve, much like they did with the date itself.
On the other hand, Harry Potter And the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, is scheduled to be released today, and if that doesn’t make this a momentous, mystical date, we don’t know what does.
Way, way cooler than a new spiritual awakening: eyelashes. |
NOTES
1. As far as we know. We’re not sure if we’d trust us, though, if we were you. Frankly, we’re idiots.
2. Thanks a lot, Einstein.
3. All dates taken from http://isotropic.org/date, http://www.fourmilab.ch/documents/calendar, or both.
4. Year of Our Blog. We started on October 10, 2009.
5. Bulk e-mail having been long ago established as the message medium of choice for celestial beings.
6. Seriously, how weird is that? What kind of oddball uses a fake name?
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Words that Changed the World X
“If Ford is to ChevroletWhat Dodge is to Chrysler,What Corn Flakes are to Post Toasties,What the clear blue sky is to the deep blue sea,What Hank Williams is to Neil Armstrong,Can you doubt we were made for each other?”1
NOTE
1. This post represents a bit of a departure from the standard format of “Words that Changed the World.” In the past, these have involved only gibberish words, incomprehensible mumbling, or drunken babbling. As Lyle Lovett capably shows here, however, a gifted wordsmith can take perfectly normal words, organize them in a logical and grammatical order, and still end up with complete nonsense.
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