Mustaches Make Everything Better

George Parros without mustache:
mild-mannered Princeton-educated economist.

George Parros with mustache: Terrifying punching machine,
possible antagonist in Tombstone film remake.

Great Quotes from Non-Famous People

Overheard before a football game between University of Southern California and Notre Dame, with the above motto displayed on the TV:

“‘Play like a Trojan today.’ In other words, stretch out for a couple of minutes, and then fail ten percent of the time.”

—My brother

Happy 450th Birthday (within Two or Three Days), William Shakespeare!

If William Shakespeare were alive today, he’d be 450 years old, probably senile as hell, and stuck with a blinking “12:00” on his VCR. Why not celebrate this by reading something that will make you smarter and more aware of the rich, deep, wonderful world around you?

For some of us, that could be accomplished by reading the side of a cereal box, a grocery-store receipt, or a thirty-year-old back issue of Ranger Rick. For almost everybody, though, you can get smarter by reading something awesome by William Shakespeare, that guy we mentioned in the first paragraph!

What’s that, you say? Which play should I read? We’re sorry, but we’re not interested in doing all your work for you. Make a decision yourself, why don’t you? Or at the very least, make the decision to look at the nifty flow chart below and let it do the thinking for you.

It should expand and actually be readable if you click on it. If not, you can find it at Goodreads, where the folks are much more internet-savvy than we apparently are.

Irony, Illustrated

What we like about this photo is that the two signs—the one endorsing English and the other butchering English—were quite clearly written by the same hand. Presumably the little girl’s.

This Just In!

For centuries, mystics and con men the world around have sold the hopeful and the gullible on their own pie-in-the-sky version of life before death. This sensationalist article notwithstanding, we don’t see any reason to believe in life before death, for Princess Diana or anybody else, without being presented with incontrovertible proof.

Always Be Yourself

Everybody you know at the moment may be convinced that you’re as cool as can be:

 . . . but somewhere out there, somebody out there remembers you when you weren’t:

Be yourself. Accept your inner Cowboy Curtis.

This Just In!

At press time, authorities had unearthed nearly 2,500 more potential victims,
and are on the lookout for suspects dressed in black and described as “sad.”

Irony, Illustrated

If you want to get technical, we will be forced to admit it’s possible that this fellow is protesting the stupidity of the Moran family, whoever they are. But you’d have to be a moran to believe that.

Today in American History: Abraham Lincoln Born in a Log Cabin He Built with his Own Hands1

“Be excellent to each other.”

—Abraham Lincoln, San Dimas High School, 1988

NOTES 
1. According to an unknown but now legendary American student that, for all we know, may actually have existed. 

This Just In!

We’re not quite sure why this is news. The only reasonable conclusion to
come to is that this headline was supposed to read “after she died.”
Because that would be news.

How to Screw Up a Magazine Cover, and Possibly Your Career

Step One: Obscure a mundane word like Where in such a way that it not only insults your cover model but also might make the average reader¹ hesitant to be seen in public with a copy of your magazine.

There is no Step Two. Extra bonus points, though, if you’re employed long enough to make the same mistake twice:

The more we think about it, the more likely it seems that Orange County Whore² magazine would sell a ton of copies. It’s tough to start a magazine from scratch, though. Our editorial staff has spent months trying to solicit articles from potential contributors, but they keep getting arrested for it.



NOTES
1. Possibly not including the particularly well-read hooker.
2. We’re thinking the full title will be Orange County Whore: News and Views for the Discriminating Hooker. Classy, eh?

Why Listen When You can Just Fix the Problem?

Courtesy of Jason Headley.

This is Why Your Auto-Spellchecker Is Not Enough: Special Yearbook Edition

In order to keep private citizens from unnecessary embarrassment, we’ve chosen to pixelate the face in the above photograph to protect the identity of the poor, unfortunate kid who, thanks to this little mishap, has been revealed to be a complete Nazi son of a bitch.

Cat Friend vs. Dog Friend

Courtesy of some guys on the Internet.




Interestingly, in real life, when talking about literal dogs and cats, we’d much rather live with dogs than with cats, and not just because we’re allergic to cats but also because they tend to be assholes.

However, if our options were to live with Cat Friend or Dog Friend, we would probably opt to burn the house down and move to another city rather than live with either of them. We’d probably get along better with Horse Friend. He’s a messy pooper, but he lives in an entirely different building nad I have to deal with him only about once a day.