This Just In!

At press time, authorities had unearthed nearly 2,500 more potential victims,
and are on the lookout for suspects dressed in black and described as “sad.”

Irony, Illustrated

If you want to get technical, we will be forced to admit it’s possible that this fellow is protesting the stupidity of the Moran family, whoever they are. But you’d have to be a moran to believe that.

Today in American History: Abraham Lincoln Born in a Log Cabin He Built with his Own Hands1

“Be excellent to each other.”

—Abraham Lincoln, San Dimas High School, 1988

NOTES 
1. According to an unknown but now legendary American student that, for all we know, may actually have existed. 

This Just In!

We’re not quite sure why this is news. The only reasonable conclusion to
come to is that this headline was supposed to read “after she died.”
Because that would be news.