Childish Fun at the Expense of the Founder of Wikipedia, Who Almost Surely Deserves Better

 

 

You Aren't Cool Enough to Do This

 

To be fair, we’re not cool enough to do it either, and never will be. The physical mechanics and coordination involved in pulling off this shot—or, for that matter, getting that close to the goaltender without stumbling into him—boggle our admittedly tiny minds.

We take some solace in the fact that despite his obvious skills, shooter Rob Hisey has yet to make it into the NHL—just like us!

On the other hand, we take far less solace in knowing that nine-year-old squirts can apparently figure it out  with ease:

 . . . little punk.

Celebrate all you want, kid—at least we don’t have to sit on a phone book to reach the dinner table.

 

Merry Christmas!

Irony, Illustrated

To be fair, why would the literacy program try to help newspaper writers? 

They’re not miracle workers.

Spoilers for Dopes: Christmas Edition

It’s been said that the Christmas season is a time for Christmas movies and movies about Christmas, and deep in our hearts we like to believe it’s true.

If you find yourself sitting down to enjoy a fine Christmas film—or even one of the very many memorably shitty ones—but find yourself surrounded by dopes who habitually ruin movies for their friends by blurting out important plot points, get the drop on them by blurting something out first. Because that’s the true meaning of the Christmas season: ruining surprises for the ones you love.¹

 Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983): In this harrowing tale of the Victorian Era,
London is overrun by Scottish ducks and horribly large rodents. This is
unlike modern London, which of course no longer has problems with ducks.

A Very Brady Christmas (1988): The Brady family learns heartwarming lessons about
architectural structural integrity, how to solve life’s problems in two hours (minus
commercials), and how easily replaceable Cindy turned out to be.

  Ernest Saves Christmas (1988): We all learn a
heartwarming lesson about not watching “Ernest” movies.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966): The Grinch steals Christmas.

Home Alone (1990): Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern learn headwarming lessons about

the crucial role of slapstick violence in the Christmas season.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (2000): The three words that
best describe this are as follows, and we quote: “Stink, stank, stunk.”

 A Christmas Story (1983): You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965): The first—and to date, only—American
Christmas special to refer, even in passing, to the birth of Christ.²

 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964): Fraught with dramatic tension, razor-sharp
dialogue, and incisive social commentary on conspicuous consumption and intergenerational conflict,
this classic film’s message is perfectly summarized by the graphic slow-motion climax in which
Santa slaughters almost two hundred Martians with his bare hands.

 The Star Wars Holiday Special (1979): George Lucas learns a

heartwarming lesson about avoiding really shitty decisions. He holds this
lesson close to his heart right up until the very moment he creates Jar Jar Binks.

NOTE

1. We don’t really mean this, Mom.
2. We’re sure this isn't actually true, but being snide is easier than being honest.

 

Happy Birthday, Werner Heisenberg

  

December 5, 1901 – February 1, 1976.
And yes, we’re fairly certain of that.

Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over one night as he’s driving home on the highway. 

The patrolman walks up to the physicist’s rolled-down window and says to him, “Do you know how fast you were going?” 

Heisenberg shakes his head. 

“I have no idea,” he says, “but I can tell you exactly where I was.”

Words that Changed the World XI

“[Transcription unavailable].”

Sadly, we haven’t been able to find an embeddable video clip for this one, but you can watch it here. It’s worth your time.